My reflections of October

As the busy month of milestones came to an end, my reflections on what and how they have shaped me started..
Parents wedding anniversary, my wedding anniversary, the beginning of my parenthood days for 2 unique children- both times, extended family wedding anniversaries and birthdays along with Navratri/Deepawali/both, the day I first sold my work as teen, the day I first started a social media page for my work….this month has shapped me in several ways.. I make it even more challenging by making unique clothes and gifts for the family and now daughter joins with her unique bakes..

I always take the time to reflect on how I changed as a person with each experience.. I would not say I changed someone or something or I am raising my kids’ wonderfully.. no, no one can change or raise anyone unless one decides to do it for the self.. one thing that stands out this time is how I have learnt to harness my own capabilities, energies, resources and time..
From not knowing what to do with myself, not understanding what it means by saying , “one can’t pour from an empty cup” to accepting and utilising the gifts of life.. Giving myself the space to grow without boundaries.. sorting out the wars inside my head first.. to not try raising my children but to just provide a fertile soil (the happy us and not materialistic support) and safe space and letting them raise themselves at their own pace.. building a wonderful mutual relationship-friendship with my man that gives all the 4 of us the confidence to exist independently in our ways in different fields, yet be close knitted and supportive.. As a parent, I understand my parents better.. I try to be there yet not put the pressure of my existence on the ones I care for. Built my small dependable circle..

Why do I talk of family whenever I talk of myself, in a world that talks of only “me”? Because they have shaped me with rich experiences.. and that has led to me being able to harness myself better and gifted myself generously! No, I haven’t changed the life for anyone.. that’s their job..

Understanding – the misunderstood word

I had been doing an exercise of forgiveness – of self and others, for around 6 yrs now. I really thought I was at peace with myself until I heard Dr. Sameena, mention about gifted in arts, like a kid doing bharatnatyam for a bangra song, as signs of higher creative thinking. I was there to talk about my experiences as a mom of gifted children but the emotional replay clouded me so much that I forgot what I was going to say.. I sat there trying to be in the present with a brain living in the past.

It brought back the almost forgotten, pleasant memories of how much I loved to dance. Brought up in a very traditional Indian home, I did not know western music. But as an 8th grader I made my tech savvy neighbour to edit and join 2 Beethoven pieces to create a song. I had no clue what those instrumental pieces were. I heard it somewhere and I loved it, so I got help to put them together. I choreographed a bharatnatyam piece for it, about the Gopikas complaining about how they love Krishna but can’t bear the brunt of his naughtiness. The contrasting love-hate feeling inside them.. I was laughed at by some, I was boring to some, some scolded me for tarnishing the tradition.. But I loved the process of creation. I danced for myself behind closed doors.

Then the memory of the hard small stick (used to keep the rhythm in bharatnatyam classes) flying towards my feet and hitting hard kept creeping in repeatedly. The ambidextrous me holding certain mudras, meant to be held only on the right, on left and right getting scolded and hit for being careless. I did not know the existence of the word ambidextrous till much later in adulthood. I kept scorning at myself for being careless and lacking commitment towards the art.

Finally one day I gave up, considering myself unfit to dance. It’s been decades since my last dance. Not even a finger or leg movement to any rhythm. I kept to arts that did not require any stage presence, after all I was Jack of all trades and Queen of none, as many said.

I really couldn’t get out of these memories for weeks.. I realised I had been giving excuses to my daughter whenever she asked to teach her some basics of dance. Dr. Sameena’s words kept replaying in my mind.. a part of me that I did not know existed, felt seen and accepted. I gave myself the space to process the emotions, accept this part of me and then penned it down. It is not my fault that I am ambidextrous and my brain can’t understand and follow certain rules. That’s fine! Of course I have been doing a small dance just for myself in front of the mirror for the past few days, (though it looks like a scare crow’s dance on a windy day 😂! It takes time to regain coordination ! It’s ok!) and trying to recollect names of mudras to teach my daughter.

I went to enlighten people with my life experiences but came back more enlightened!! Thank you life!!🙏

Refills!

Another crying session, imagining things to go out of control by younger one.. from morning everything is triggering her.. she feels like just crying is what she says.. it’s not just crying.. it’s wailing , screaming , finding flaunts with everything.. her brother isn’t able to put it up any further so he starts getting agitated.. I sit beside her in the room holding her hand till she feels she can move on.. I know, tomorrow may not be like this.. it may be an extremely happy day for no reason or just be a continuation of this.. I try to avoid both going out of control by keeping them away, as it’s even more stressful for me to handle.. Neither am I screaming nor am I participating in it.. but I feel extremely tired both mentally and physically. May be I am passing on my energy to recharge them and getting depleted. May have many spiritual explanations but I had to find a way to cope soon.

This is a regular happening. I know they will find a way to handle themselves soon but I am concerned about my exhaustion as my quantity time is needed and I need to be able to be present often. I was wondering what I could do to recharge myself often and quickly.. I may need to do it several times a day.. Art is a therapy. Art is my career but I keep some part of it only for my hobby.. like embroidery. I have been using it as a meditative and affirmative work to forgive my past. But I found that I did not seem to have the motivation to do it often especially with larger pieces of works. I could see I had higher motivation levels when I had to do it for my work. Designing products and miniatures excite me a lot….hmmm. So I tried a small piece of miniature embroidery, and tried to make something out of it. Tadaa! It was quick and I found it very interesting. Then I started listing down whatever can be done at that size using embroidery. It’s quick and works as my refill! So now I have set up a small corner where my embroidery stuff hang around full time. Whenever I feel exhausted, I steal away a few minutes, do a few stitches and by the end of the day I have completed 1 tiny piece atleast. It actually makes me feel good to see the end result soon.

I feel so good doing tiny projects that I have now got a bottle to store them and the bottle is getting filled up soon with tiny pieces in different colours. I haven’t turned them all into final products but the fact that I can do loads of productive things with it, is motivating me. And it’s spilt into tiny shots now and then which is keeping up my tempo.. a large piece of art just made and saved did not seem to motivate me. I found the right combo for my refill drink for now! Not sure of future !! As long as it works I will keep drinking it!

Can’t transfer from an empty cup to anyone else!!

Have you found your zen refills and combos??

That Difficult Child!

Dear parents and teachers,

There will be that one difficult child in your class and life like me, who despite having immense potential in various things, would spend loads of time dreaming, questioning everything ( may seem as though they are born to only question!) , totally in love with learning but not showing it in the grades that are expected.. may look as though they never read the questions on the paper before answering despite knowing so much.. trying and experimenting despite knowing that its dangerous because the fun of trying something new, overrides all logic.. when the world wants something out of every bit of learning that’s done but that child just learns because its fun to learn.. doing the same stuff that everyone does seems safe and normal to others but to that child it’s absolutely boring and they can’t bring themselves to the fact that they have to do it everyday.. finding ways that may seem to be defying rule books but actually another interpretation of the same rules is their life.. that child who seems to understand the high concepts of the cosmos but not the basic, regular, normal instructions.. who seems like a sage one moment and a toddler still in their terrible two’s the other.. it may seem like they are wasting all that they have and not becoming the already set safe examples..

But let me assure you that they will become something that will become an example for others.. just like how I did though not in the timelines that the world expects.. you just read, Robert Frost’s poetry of ” The road not taken” to them but they live it.. they will find their own “something” that is not defined yet.. they will convert what looks like a day dream into reality.. they will add more to the list of “jobs that define the future”.. they will find more career paths.. they will find vocations that are both satisfying to soul and society..

Just be there.. give your support and love.. just create a safe place.. just listen.. they will find solutions to all their unique problems by themselves.. accept that we don’t know or have solutions to all problems.. never ever trim their wings.. make sure, you help them learn about themselves and life and not feel guilty for who they are.. just because they have high learning abilities it doesn’t mean their needs are less and their life’s are easy.. the asynchrony is very difficult to live with, even at higher ends.. to an extent that the rest of the normal world can’t understand.. when you don’t understand atleast don’t judge.. give them memories that will make them feel safe and loved.

by an ex – “that difficult child”

2 roads diverge in an yellow wood and I sit inbetween!

So someone was telling me how lucky and stress free my life is, as I have gifted kids. She went on, “they will understand everything and be cautious and understanding. Even during fevers you must be having a smooth run..” I can only think ,”how can people imagine whatever they want and comment however they want ??🙄🤔”

While one would recreate the climax scene of Rajesh Khanna’s Anandh movie saying ,” amma I don’t want to die, please save me” for a small blood clot, googling all the symptoms and convincing himself that he has the most dreadful combination of diseases. Other one would go into complete denial even when running a 104F temperature ( yes you heard me right) and refuse medication, controlling all her symptoms and saying that I am conspiring against her.. 🤷🤦🙄🤯🤯

He is a classic example of Brownian movement. His scientist’s brain will be so at work that he will be lost in his experiments with all living and non living stuff that he will not even know if he hit himself against anything leading to blood clots or the contamination that happens because of all the handlings. I will have to switch off the WiFi modem, hide all the gadgets that have their own data connections so as to avoid all the “googling the symptoms” and he anyways will hit a 103F for even the mildest normal fever in the beginning itself. He is strong willed in doing what he wishes and is convinced about. 🤷

She on the other hand is an extremely strong willed person who will do what she wishes only and refuses suggestions and advices( btw I am talking about a 6 year old from her birth). Has a mind of her own. If she wishes to not showcase her pain she will do it effectively. Her body will not show fever until it’s really extreme. Even then she will go on denial mode and keep doing whatever she wished to do even if it means extremely high temperature. Refusing any help and medication. 🤷🤦. The conspiracy theories allegations that she puts up against us are pretty interesting!Strong willed women are what I love until I have to bring up one! 🙄.

My pediatrician dreads our visits! When both fall sick together or in succession I feel like getting myself admitted in hospital! I make sure to keep them both in 2 different bedrooms! Having 2 active volcanoes beside each other is not great you see🤷! Dukh me sumiran sab karen! ( Everybody remembers in sad times) I do the sumiran of the architect of this house who designed the bedrooms just opposite to each other with hall-dinning area in between, my in laws for choosing this compact house when my husband wanted to buy a house, where the kitchen is so within reach, this area where the hospital is just across the road.. see what all I thank God for.. I spend most of the time in the hall between the rooms. At nights if husband is in town he will babysit one while I the other else again I will put the pillow inbetween the rooms and shuttle as required. Most of my time goes in making them see the mid-path.. I save up my energy to keep myself in good health and keep saying “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” like Dori of Nemo. I eat without guilt whenever time permits just making sure it’s all healthy stuff because anyways my kids will take care of burning the calories!!

Did I tell you about the promises? They will tell me they have learnt their lessons and will be cautious and understanding hence forth, thanking me for being kind, when the fever is at peak.. but once normal they are back to square one, with all experiments on suff like teaching the frogs to race, feeding ants to dragonfly , digging poops of different creatures.. and what not.. the tamil saying goes “kudichaven petchu vidinjaa pochu” a drunkard’s promise is gone at sunrise.. I just nod when they promise hoping they soon build their immunity..

Just because kids are gifted doesn’t mean easy life.. I have just shown you 2 combinations of characters. There are more permutations and combinations with the gifted. My heart goes out to every parent of the gifted who know what a commitment it is to have these kids.. others will not know and will not understand..

Because this issues requires a multitude of solutions..

For the past 2 years I have slowly taken to mindful embroidery.. I find a calm time and place and sit down in the most comfortable position.. and work on the design slowly and meditatively.. with every stitch I mention the name of people I have to forgive.. not because what they did was right or because I misunderstood them.. because I have to be at peace with myself.. because they do not deserve the energy getting spent.. because it is good to keep my soul clear of negative thoughts.. just for few minutes a day and I feel the difference..

Earlier whenever few memories from the past came flashing due to some trigger, I felt the same amount of palpitations, stomach cramps, like I did on that day.. it was followed by anger and guilt.. it reduced my trust on people.. the anger spilt over into my other areas of life.. so I felt the need to heal myself first.. now the memories do come but in a more peaceful way.. it helps me think of solutions rather than ‘what if that had happened..?’ it helps me see my strength.. in every one of those situations I did not get paralyzed instead screamed or raised my voice and helped myself out of the situation.. and I see the need for this habit to be formed in my kids.. because situations can’t be totally prevented but proper responses can be inculcated..

As a parent I now understand better on how to help my kids.. I have been a dreamer but very independent.. and lost in thoughts.. too involved in something that I like that I had missed the earliest cues.. and no one had ever spoken to me about good or bad touch.. I never knew what consent was.. I had no clue that I had the right to my body.. All that helped me avert situations were my instincts.. but that also harboured a sense on guilt because I though it was my behaviour or looks that caused it.. I see a lot of me in my kids.. So I have made it a point to talk to them about good and bad touch as soon I felt they could understand it.. helped them understand concent and their rights over their bodies.. Yes they were followed by loads of questions and I have answered them to the best of my capabilities.. because if I don’t, they may find other sources that may not be trustworthy.. We have fixed safe adults at different places when I or my husband are not there.. like in our apartment, at a relatives place, at school, etc , whom they can approach if needed. We have open conversations when they wish to talk.. And I have put my older one in martial arts training so that his reflexes are quick and he can help himself better… Once I feel my younger one is ready I will put her into it too.. when someone touches them and they don’t feel comfortable, I make it a point to tell that person to respect it then and there ( whoever that may be).

I feel a strong urge to help others too.. I have warned parents when I felt their kids were in proximity of those evil eyes that I had encountered.. When I have not been able to warn them for various reasons I have written about this topic and shared it on forums because I know they read what I write and it may help.. if someone approaches me to talk about it I have lent a patient ear.. and in one case have put them in touch with a professional help because they needed more help.

Because some issues have multilayered effects.. When I heal let me take few more in the path..

Learning from my own past self

I am doing an audit of things that I own.. and I am getting lost in memories now and then.. Most of these embroidery threads were not bought.. only few were got recently.. the rest are almost 2 decades old.. won as a prize at various embroidery contests during school days.. I have some cross stitch kits too that were won as prizes.. but never opened..

I won national level contests for my age group hands down.. but let me tell you none of my award winning entries were ever completed pieces.. Anchor used to come school by school and conduct the competition on a particular day with a stipulated time.. I was never able to finish in the given time.. the perfectionist in me would be more involved in not making even the lightest mistake, that time just flew off in the process.. My teacher would always insist on me finishing my work very patiently.. she had more faith in me.. There was an incident where the competition judge came looking for me at school once, to figure out a stitch that I had done in my piece.. she was so impressed that she asked me to demonstrate.. it was nothing but a basic herringbone stitch that I had used with a different spacing.. now I find that to be the common way doing the stitch.. But I had no interest in embroidery.. I never took it seriously and forgot about it..until few years back when I stumbled upon a box that contained these.. I have been recollecting whatever I had learnt with my sampler book done during school.. thankfully I had written elaborate notes for everything with dos and don’ts.. It helps me in my mindfulness now..

Now these memories serve as a reminder to be more patient with the 2 that have a lot of me in them.. to let them enjoy all that they learn just for the fun of learning.. they may not be interested in everything that they are good at.. they may pick it up later in life for various other reasons.. knowing a variety of stuff will definitely help somewhere in life.. it may just be that one thing that helps divert mind.. it’s ok..

My day..

I usually don’t sleep in the afternoon.. no not even at night until my kids sleep.. because of the experiences that I have had with these two, my senses are always on alert.. the mommy instinct hardly lets me sleep.. but I dozed off yesterday afternoon due to exhaustion, just for few mins while sitting and sewing on the sofa.. both were doing two different things in two different rooms..

My nap is disturbed by mild murmuring.. my senses are on high alert.. I remember what happened the last time I dozed off long time back.. I had dozed off doing some hand work when youngerone took a surprise nap and older one was reading a book.. I woke up because of strong smell.. or more like clorine smell( I have a chemistry background and it really helps).. I checked around and asked my older one if he smelled anything strange.. he said ‘no’ with the most innocent face 😇.. I couldn’t find anything.. I still drilled him but he said he was just reading a book.. the next day I took the wipe cloth to wipe something and it just crumbled into powder.. ok I was sure my instincts were right and took it to my ‘dear son’ and asked him.. first he denied and once I put some chemical facts out he told me that he had mixed -toilet cleaner, dishwashing liq, detergent, handwash and dettol only in tiny drops in a cup.. it over flowed with a burst and he wiped it immediately.. I showed him the consequence on the fabric.. it could have been worse on his skin but he was lucky.. reminding him to not do any experiments without my knowledge, I thanked all my stars because I have really had loads of hospital visits with this guy in the past..

Now coming to yesterday’s incident.. I hear my younger one murmuring ‘anna(bro) I see Amma’s toe finger slightly twiching.. be quick’ I don’t open my eyes and observe.. there is refrigerator closing sound, some cover opening sounds then a slight glass hitting sound and I hear foot steps going into bedroom.. I walk into the bedroom to find both looking at me like 🦉 owls.. trying to keep their mouths as flat as possible🤣.. I go into the kitchen to investigate.. I ask them ” I see cheese, biscuits missing.. but why were the spices used?” Silence.. “only if you tell me I can be prepared with a remedy incase something goes wrong.. we can’t go to hospital immediately.. ” Younger one immediately answers ” don’t worry amma.. he tried this combo in the morning when you were in the toilet.. I have been observing him.. nothing happened to him till now.. I even asked him if there was upset stomach.. nothing.. so now I too tried.. he crushed biscuit into cheese sheet and added spices.. I tasted it.. salt was missing so I added a pinch of salt and it was great.. ” thanking all my stars that this was not a risky experiment day, I ask them to give a sample to try.. 😜

Expressions

My younger one would draw anywhere and everywhere.. though she loves seeing you tube videos of art works, she has her own way of expressing everything.. she loves to draw about herself.. like this picture.. it’s her self portrait of sorts.. I asked her to explain it to me and I was so amazed by the layers in the thought process.. here goes the explanation..

I always like being inside a flower.. looking at things around me from it.. the flower is sometimes very colourful, but sometimes not.. it has many things in it.. sometimes I want to close the petals and keep myself warm but sometimes I want to open it and feel bright and cool.. sometimes I feel like going out of the flower and walking in the garden if other flowers are interesting.. all the colours around are so interesting..

I learnt she sees everything as colours.. emotions, feelings,etc..

How she reacts to things around her makes a lot of sense now.. there is no one solution that fits all.. setting boundaries based on our understandings limits the possibilities.. because every brain, heart and mind works in zillion combinations to give so many ways of thinking, perceiving and understanding.. when spoken language tends to be a difficulty, there are so many unspoken languages to explore and express.. let’s not set rules and regulations for them too.. let them communicate better because everyone can’t communicate in the same way and every feeling can’t be communicated in the same way.. let all possibilities be open without pressure..

Comprehending may take time for them and us but the journey of parenting is a learning by itself.. so let us keep it an open blank book and have new messages in it custom made for us..

When the cat is out of the bag

My kids usually don’t talk much about their interests to people they are not used to.. my younger one is exceptionally silent when she is in a crowd.. but when they talk the reactions vary to extremes.. some jaws drop, some judge us for being pushy parents, some tell us we are making them loose their childhood, some consider us lucky to have such exceptionally talented kids, some call us ‘show off’, some even paint us with casteist remarks and some consider our lives extremely easy because our kids can learn so much very easily..

We have learnt to become immune over the years to these reactions.. we have even learnt to make humour out the reactions.. this has become part of our lives.. their judgements, comments and ideas don’t make our life better or difficult.. we can’t control their reactions but we can control our response.. zindagi melegi na dobara.. you won’t get life again.. so we are trying to make the best of what God has gifted us with.. we are living as happily as possible with ourselves with room for self-improvement , always.. whatever be one’s gift, there is a lot of hardwork and passion needed to make the best of the gift..

I love a sentence from a famous Tamil movie- “kashta pattu velai pannaa pathaadhu, ishta pattu velai paakanum” there is no use working hard , we need to work with passion .. When we work with passion we enjoy the process too.. it makes life more simple.. when watering a tree it’s important to enjoy every leaf that comes up than waiting for the sweet fruits that come much later in life.. we may not be around to taste them.. so let’s not postpone the little joys of life..