Managing varied capabilities and time

So his art was was due last month for submission.. and he has a zillion interests and limited time.. he gets carried away into the depths of whatever he starts off or carried away by something totally off topic.. So his art work never got done.. and I have been behind him reminding him for days..

Reminding did not seem to work so got involved in his daily schedule making.. he has nothing called a schedule so I have been behind his life to work on a schedule for him all by himself.. so he has started making a schedule.. but hasn’t been successful in finishing things on it but atleast a few things have got done.. we are reviewing every morning and at the end of the day.. it is making him a little conscious of time.. so some pending stuffs are off this list finally..

Capability without the ability to execute doesn’t seem to reach anywhere.. loads of hobbies are not seeing day light due to lack of time.. and if even a little thing in it was not a subject of his interest it ended up not being done.. like in the art it wasn’t an animal based art so there was zero motivation to do.. but it’s school assignment and had to be done.. so we are working on pooling in some effort towards things that have to been done though it may not be of his interest.. because everything in life may not be of our area of interest always but we need some self motivation to get it done..

We have been taking about what is the duty of every role based on Bhagavat Gita as he loves reading and understanding it.. and linking those to his duty as a student, son, brother and citizen of the world.. it seems to work.. let’s see how it progresses..

I let the Child lead

I often face this statement / judgement that I have fed too much into my child’s head.. I push them to learn loads.. but in reality I let them learn what they wanted and in their own ways..

My younger one would say that she wants to paint the whole day.. I don’t stop her but when she picks up a book and asks me to teach I don’t stop her whatever it be..

With my older one too that’s how I started.. I did not go by the level 1 ,2,3.. of books.. I just kept an array of books at reachable level from when he was able to walk.. I just used to sit and read for few minutes in front of him.. never insisted him to sit down.. He started sitting in a corner with a random book, go through the pictures and place it back.. then slowly he started being picky about books.. the encyclopaedias where his first choice.. mostly animal based book.. then slowly he started asking me to read out what was written.. We started with encyclopaedias and not alphabets or small word books.. I always kept a variety of books.. for a long time he was picky but now he reads any printed matter.. from small stories to fiction to history.. his favourite teacher at school is the librerian 😂.. and yes the teachers appreciate his vast knowledge and reading habit.. He has been an independent reader from 5 years of age..

It’s working the same way with the younger one.. she started learning to cook from 2years of age.. she would always sit next to me and make rotis, cut veggies as she loved doing it..her choice of books are different though but she leads and is already a good reader at 6 years..

Letting the child lead in what they want to learn is crucial.. I call this “Child led learning ” .. these take time but once the child is ready they proceed very comfortably and fast…

So what they have learnt till now is based on their interests and according to their pace.. nothing was force fed..

Today it’s a Thief ant..

Younger one stealthily goes into the room where older one is attending online class.. hurriedly whispers something into his ears before I get hold of her.. that’s the end of his attention in class.. 🤦🤷

They both spend the rest of the afternoon and evening in ant 🐜 research! Thankfully they (ants) all went to sleep at night.. she had seen a huge ant colony in action and decided to get more information through big brother ( she know which switch to press to get the right kind of work done🤷) ! He found that more interesting as this was a “once in a lifetime opportunity” to see an ant moving it’s colony along with the queens and larvae.. I spent reminding him to attend the rest of the classes, finish class work, home work and other stuff..

Today it was because of the ants, yesterday it was because of the earthworms, one day because of ladybug and so on.. when they get into something it’s always on the extreme end.. the rest of the world is forgotten.. and pending work just adds on.. but I don’t give up too.. let’s see if I manage to keep them on track..

A different angle..

One day dear husband lost his cool when dear son was observing ants for hours while he had lots of home work left to do.. they had a heated argument.. I let things settle and asked my son, ” you want to climb Himalayas but you are fishing in Kanyakumari without starting your journey.. how will you reach Himalayas at the earliest possible time?” He smiled and said, “why should I reach at the earliest? Can’t I enjoy fishing in Kanyakumari, the beach in Mahabalipuram, the forests on the way and the zillion sunset and sunrise on the way and reach at my own pace?”

I wanted to prove my point.. I reminded him of the hare and tortoise race on how consistency will help him win.. but he said ” Amma the hare enjoyed a breezy day under the tree.. had a happy nap and filled his life with fun.. the tortoise did nothing except slogging his way to the finish line.. what’s the use? My goals are different ma.. but every one seems to be rushing to some common goal.. I just want to learn about everything around me .. the books don’t teach me all that.. “

Point to ponder over.. why should we be in the race.. why should we have common goals.. why should everyone take the same path.. It’s tough for him and us as we don’t belong to the crowd but everything is custom made for the crowd.. breaking the norms and threading at our own pace is tough.. trying to ignore the push is tough.. trying to find a mid path is tough.. but we will some how do it.. not knowing how the future is going to be, we are just trying our best..

I took help when needed..

Having to struggle alone knowing that my kids are different had its consequences.. there was a lot of isolation that we faced and are facing .. I found it difficult, not knowing if what I was doing was right.. I was having enough of it all alone.. did not know what to do..One day I just decided to talk to the school counselor about it and that’s when things started changing.. it led me to the world of gifted.. I met a psychologist who dealt with gifted.. it was then I knew that there was someone to talk to.. she led me to other parents of gifted kids.. A woman I look up to told me once that ‘ when you dare to walk the path other women will walk along’.. and that’s what happened..

Not only did I get more company and hope but my child felt more accepted with people like him.. it gave him a sense of belonging.. I started to slowly hear everyone’s stories.. very similar to mine.. I got to see how other gifted kids were growing up to face challenges better.. how difficulties were being used as opportunities.. I started getting more confident about my instincts and methodology.. I can see similar changes in my child too.. he is more confident and is able to speak for himself better.. he is picking up the rope and climbing higher easily.. we can see we have more people who understand us and are helping us build ourselves.. there is constructive criticism too , to help us ..

The feeling that when we have a situation there are people to give inputs from their experiences, guide with resources and just to provide a shoulder for support, is in itself a great feeling.. it reduces pressure.. there are more women walking along my path in itself is very reassuring.. though other people’s perspectives of us hasn’t changed we are able to drive through the path better equipped.. I am happy that I took help when needed!

Detached attachment

Whenever he feels sad he would ask for a hug.. he always says it makes him feel better.. but off late he says my hugs are more calming than ever.. yes I too feel more calm than before after I realised something..

I read these words in a holy book, “though your child is from you he/she is not a part of you.. they are separate souls of their own”.. yes I have heard it many times before but it struck me only recently.. I am responsible for the safety and learnings of the child but not entirely for every action of the child.. there is his/her own individual self that responds and reacts differently from mine.. though I can show what is right and wrong, I can’t totally control every act..

Do your ‘Karma’ without expecting is easier said than done.. but I am slowly learning that I have to give my best yet stay detached.. love unconditionally both myself and my kids whatever be the situation.. I am slowly putting the onus of responsibility on them.. they are responsible for their acts.. yes it may sound like a lazy, bad mother but it is the truth.. I want them to grow their wings without burning mine..

The guilt of motherhood is reducing and I am able to enjoy their childhood better.. and offer more calming hugs..

The art of fermentation!

I made the idli batter in the morning.. it is fermenting.. the smell is heavenly after almost 8 hrs.. if I let it ferment too much then it gets that sour smell and becomes a hard idli when I make one.. if I don’t wait for fermentation it’s not that fluffy, soft Idli.. The fermentation is an art.. not too much not too less.. just right.. some get it by instinct and some need to learn.. result is a soft, fluffy and healthy idli known for its amazing benefits…

The same goes with waiting for your opportunities too.. I learnt it by experience.. figuring out the right time to grab the opportunity is an art.. and I am trying to help my children learn it.. my older has no patience to wait while my younger one waits too much that she looses her opportunities.. showing the optimum state .. the Goldie locks period is a challenge.. citing examples.. analysing situations of past.. pretend play.. I am trying it all..

Why so much effort? Because because thinking once or twice before execution improves the process.. Because great ideas need the right time and right place to become useful inventions.. Because great things need time to become greater.. Because it reduces damages and wastage of time on mending things that could have been avoided.. Because you can compete with yourself and get better.. Because there is always a room for improvement..

Change needs time..

“He is too sharp..” “he cuts like knife..”” it’s because of you that he is like this…” “Children learn from parents so the cause is you..”” what’s the use of his brain he is going to die alone” “you will struggle when he grows up because you are making him rude..”

I have been hearing these for a very long time after becoming a parent.. I have felt the burden of guilt too heavy to even see any hope for myself in life.. I hardly get into groups, being an introvert myself I have struggled to talk to people.. I prefer communication by writing or messages than a direct one on one talk.. I don’t know diplomacy.. the guilty feeling that I wasn’t being a good example being cause for ruining my child was killing me.. I tried my best but no one belives me.. every time I hear a remark I feel more heavy.. I feel like a looser.. a failure.. I stick to my art – my world my saviour.. the rhythmic motion of my machine feels like a lullaby..as my machine sews puting together ripped useless scraps to form something beautiful, unique and soothing I feel I can.. I regain the bits of me scattered around and put them back but in a different format.. I rework my thoughts.. my processes..

I start again with my ritual of pretend play.. bringing his attention to what soothed him a situation or in a conversation.. reinforcing positive affirmations daily night.. that family cuddling to tell him and me that whatever it be we are there for each other..

And today I saw a ray of hope again.. he was engaged in an online group conversation with his class mates over making a presentation.. he very consciously helped his friends improve on their ideas.. he appreciated them as he led them.. he made sure it was a group effort and not just his.. his voice though loud as usual was having a different tone.. it had reassurance, kindness and was slow paced.. he wasn’t talking hurriedly but thinking and talking.. they finished their work on time..I was noticing all this while hand sewing in another room..

Yes I am their mother and first teacher.. my instincts don’t give up easily.. though my hands are working I notice these changes in my kid silently.. I appreciated him gently in front of the younger one as she needs to see these examples.. I need not start all over from scratch with her.. and yes I shed a few tears of happiness silently.. he will not die alone as predicted by some.. that’s more than enough for me.. when he is an adult people may not know about the metamorphosis but I know it took time, effort, patience, belief and love..

Is empathy a skill or inborn quality?

My older one would think a hundred times to even squish a cockroach.. if a dragon fly broke it’s wings he would cry for it.. if he found a dead dog on the road he will not sleep for days.. if a tree is cut : the consequences are even more sever..he is soaked in empathy for nature..

But only when another human is in immense pain he understands their pain.. otherwise it has to be pointed out to him.. he has to be explained to about how different their situations could be from his.. constant reminders have to be put to think before talking.. he has to be convinced to give allowances before concluding.. yes his little anger towards humanity for being unfair to nature is also a cause..

I have thought I could never make him empathetic towards other humans.. I don’t wish for a brainer and monetarily successful child but a peaceful and happy one.. I have been pointing out to him in all creative ways using stories, pretend situations, play and art to see from other person’s perspective.. I have been saying along with my kids from when they have been talking that “we are happy, peaceful and empathetic people” before we go to bed every day.. I wasn’t sure if this would yield results but I have been doing it with full heart.. along with the family cuddling before bed..

Something surprising happened yesterday.. my younger one has the habit of tying threads, ribbons and ropes across different places at home during play.. we have been constantly telling her to remove them after play but she always forgets.. there have been mild accidents too because of it.. yesterday I tripped in one such tied rope at night after dinner while doing something in a dark room.. my head hit the corner of the door frame on wall and I sprained my ankle.. in pain I screamed out at my younger one and her dad got angry at her too and yelled at her.. she was shaken and started crying of shock.. big brother immediately jumped out of his work and hugged her and kissed her.. he kept rubbing her back till she was calmer.. I held back husband’s hand and waited to see what was going on.. he told us sternly,” I know what she did was wrong but what you guys did was wrong too!” And he told her “hug amma you will feel better.. rub her head gently.. it’s swollen..” he brought an ice pack for my ankle.. this has never happened in these 10 years..

He was sensibly empathetic and sensitive to everyone.. one more goal of hope for mom.. 😊.. the little joys of motherhood.. and yes ofcourse me and hubby discussed it at night with amazement! Nothing is permanent..

Mindfulness and activities for gifted kids

Small bags and pouches by my 10 year old

I had a tough day.. what ever I did I couldn’t control the outbursts of emotions.. I tried to maintain calm and explain, hugged, tried to play , watch something together on tv, read together but every few minutes they were charged and charging over each other for trivial things.. the noise level was too high.. crying happened for most part of the day.. I did not know what to do..

I just took up my sewing kit and theirs.. placed everything on the sewing table and started off on my mindful rhythmic sewing patterns.. few minutes later both were sitting beside me sewing their stuff.. all of a sudden the whole house was calm and peaceful..

I collect scrap fabrics from my projects into a bin.. I use them to teach them quilting.. I let them plan their lay out and choose fabrics.. then hand sew.. no deadlines.. no pressure.. just some rhythmic motion based on their ideas..

It improves hand-eye coordination, calms the brain, converts their energies into something positive.. improves appreciation for hand work.. boosts self confidence and self belief.. I insist on converting the small patches they make into products of their use.. it improves self worth to look at what you make with your hands being of good use.. choosing a design and colour coordination helps in decision making.. it is a way to express feelings.. it’s a mode to communicate..

They enjoy the process.. perfection is not the aim but perseverance is.. it’s a life skill too.. with no gender barriers.. helps navigate through emotions.. better than a regular boring handwriting book to train the hands..