Refills!

Another crying session, imagining things to go out of control by younger one.. from morning everything is triggering her.. she feels like just crying is what she says.. it’s not just crying.. it’s wailing , screaming , finding flaunts with everything.. her brother isn’t able to put it up any further so he starts getting agitated.. I sit beside her in the room holding her hand till she feels she can move on.. I know, tomorrow may not be like this.. it may be an extremely happy day for no reason or just be a continuation of this.. I try to avoid both going out of control by keeping them away, as it’s even more stressful for me to handle.. Neither am I screaming nor am I participating in it.. but I feel extremely tired both mentally and physically. May be I am passing on my energy to recharge them and getting depleted. May have many spiritual explanations but I had to find a way to cope soon.

This is a regular happening. I know they will find a way to handle themselves soon but I am concerned about my exhaustion as my quantity time is needed and I need to be able to be present often. I was wondering what I could do to recharge myself often and quickly.. I may need to do it several times a day.. Art is a therapy. Art is my career but I keep some part of it only for my hobby.. like embroidery. I have been using it as a meditative and affirmative work to forgive my past. But I found that I did not seem to have the motivation to do it often especially with larger pieces of works. I could see I had higher motivation levels when I had to do it for my work. Designing products and miniatures excite me a lot….hmmm. So I tried a small piece of miniature embroidery, and tried to make something out of it. Tadaa! It was quick and I found it very interesting. Then I started listing down whatever can be done at that size using embroidery. It’s quick and works as my refill! So now I have set up a small corner where my embroidery stuff hang around full time. Whenever I feel exhausted, I steal away a few minutes, do a few stitches and by the end of the day I have completed 1 tiny piece atleast. It actually makes me feel good to see the end result soon.

I feel so good doing tiny projects that I have now got a bottle to store them and the bottle is getting filled up soon with tiny pieces in different colours. I haven’t turned them all into final products but the fact that I can do loads of productive things with it, is motivating me. And it’s spilt into tiny shots now and then which is keeping up my tempo.. a large piece of art just made and saved did not seem to motivate me. I found the right combo for my refill drink for now! Not sure of future !! As long as it works I will keep drinking it!

Can’t transfer from an empty cup to anyone else!!

Have you found your zen refills and combos??

Learning from my own past self

I am doing an audit of things that I own.. and I am getting lost in memories now and then.. Most of these embroidery threads were not bought.. only few were got recently.. the rest are almost 2 decades old.. won as a prize at various embroidery contests during school days.. I have some cross stitch kits too that were won as prizes.. but never opened..

I won national level contests for my age group hands down.. but let me tell you none of my award winning entries were ever completed pieces.. Anchor used to come school by school and conduct the competition on a particular day with a stipulated time.. I was never able to finish in the given time.. the perfectionist in me would be more involved in not making even the lightest mistake, that time just flew off in the process.. My teacher would always insist on me finishing my work very patiently.. she had more faith in me.. There was an incident where the competition judge came looking for me at school once, to figure out a stitch that I had done in my piece.. she was so impressed that she asked me to demonstrate.. it was nothing but a basic herringbone stitch that I had used with a different spacing.. now I find that to be the common way doing the stitch.. But I had no interest in embroidery.. I never took it seriously and forgot about it..until few years back when I stumbled upon a box that contained these.. I have been recollecting whatever I had learnt with my sampler book done during school.. thankfully I had written elaborate notes for everything with dos and don’ts.. It helps me in my mindfulness now..

Now these memories serve as a reminder to be more patient with the 2 that have a lot of me in them.. to let them enjoy all that they learn just for the fun of learning.. they may not be interested in everything that they are good at.. they may pick it up later in life for various other reasons.. knowing a variety of stuff will definitely help somewhere in life.. it may just be that one thing that helps divert mind.. it’s ok..

Expressions

My younger one would draw anywhere and everywhere.. though she loves seeing you tube videos of art works, she has her own way of expressing everything.. she loves to draw about herself.. like this picture.. it’s her self portrait of sorts.. I asked her to explain it to me and I was so amazed by the layers in the thought process.. here goes the explanation..

I always like being inside a flower.. looking at things around me from it.. the flower is sometimes very colourful, but sometimes not.. it has many things in it.. sometimes I want to close the petals and keep myself warm but sometimes I want to open it and feel bright and cool.. sometimes I feel like going out of the flower and walking in the garden if other flowers are interesting.. all the colours around are so interesting..

I learnt she sees everything as colours.. emotions, feelings,etc..

How she reacts to things around her makes a lot of sense now.. there is no one solution that fits all.. setting boundaries based on our understandings limits the possibilities.. because every brain, heart and mind works in zillion combinations to give so many ways of thinking, perceiving and understanding.. when spoken language tends to be a difficulty, there are so many unspoken languages to explore and express.. let’s not set rules and regulations for them too.. let them communicate better because everyone can’t communicate in the same way and every feeling can’t be communicated in the same way.. let all possibilities be open without pressure..

Comprehending may take time for them and us but the journey of parenting is a learning by itself.. so let us keep it an open blank book and have new messages in it custom made for us..

Mindfulness and activities for gifted kids

Small bags and pouches by my 10 year old

I had a tough day.. what ever I did I couldn’t control the outbursts of emotions.. I tried to maintain calm and explain, hugged, tried to play , watch something together on tv, read together but every few minutes they were charged and charging over each other for trivial things.. the noise level was too high.. crying happened for most part of the day.. I did not know what to do..

I just took up my sewing kit and theirs.. placed everything on the sewing table and started off on my mindful rhythmic sewing patterns.. few minutes later both were sitting beside me sewing their stuff.. all of a sudden the whole house was calm and peaceful..

I collect scrap fabrics from my projects into a bin.. I use them to teach them quilting.. I let them plan their lay out and choose fabrics.. then hand sew.. no deadlines.. no pressure.. just some rhythmic motion based on their ideas..

It improves hand-eye coordination, calms the brain, converts their energies into something positive.. improves appreciation for hand work.. boosts self confidence and self belief.. I insist on converting the small patches they make into products of their use.. it improves self worth to look at what you make with your hands being of good use.. choosing a design and colour coordination helps in decision making.. it is a way to express feelings.. it’s a mode to communicate..

They enjoy the process.. perfection is not the aim but perseverance is.. it’s a life skill too.. with no gender barriers.. helps navigate through emotions.. better than a regular boring handwriting book to train the hands..

My 5 year old working on embroidery for her quilt

Solo traveler

I asked my 10year son to describe him to me and he said after some thinking that he is a ” solo traveler ” .. I asked him to explain and he said ” I like to let my thoughts guide me at my own pace to what I want to do next than travel with others around me.. I like to enjoy my process and experience the thrill of doing them just by myself” .. I asked him if he is happy and he said alone he is super happy and with others around he is happy only sometimes.. I asked him why? And he said he feels a bit insecure when lot of people are around and a pressure to perform better in presence of others is not a great feeling.. you have to talk consciously, behave consciously and act consciously.. very difficult.. strong words for a 10 year old

Then I asked my 5 year old the same question.. she said she is super happy being her own friend.. but she also likes being around with lesser people and not lots of people.. why? ” Because I like observing how others do things and sometimes participate but when there are lots of people there are too many ideas and too many people looking at you.. it’s not a good feeling.. with lesser people we can talk better.. ” that’s very similar to my older one but she does like little company once in a while..

I asked them if they don’t miss communication if they are by themselves? Older one said ” I get time to think over and act slowly.. I can write, draw or chat with someone online when I want rather than having to talk in that moment itself.. I am still communicating.. ” Younger one said, “I talk to myself and I have all that I feel in my paintings and I can sew too.. I will show them when I want to , to someone and tell them what I want to tell them.. others need not know.. if I want I will talk to people else I won’t..”

How beautifully they explained an introvert’s life.. how they enjoy their various modes of communication.. they are sensitive.. what other’s think inhibits their thought processes.. they need time to respond and in their own way.. in fact my older one has been reading tremendously and chatting with some adults in online gardening and science communities without any difficulty.. the daughter has exhibited her feelings a lot though art in the lockdown period . I find them to be less angrier and less agitated in the past few months.. they are able to easily cope up being away from the world.. and have learnt a lot at greater pace at peace..

Introverts need support and understanding of their modes of communication rather than a push to be with the world.. there is no one means of communication that suits everyone.. we just have to be open and sensitive to the talk.. not everyone can express everything by speaking out in public.. Introverts are happy people too but in a different way.. just don’t push them.. solo but not lonely.. that should be the aim..

Pandemic and uncertainty

While others are trying their best to keep kids at home due to the pandemic, I have made no efforts.. as there is no need of it! They have not played outside the house or met friends or fought to go out.. it is me and husband who are trying to send them for a walk early morning (mine are early wakers) when no one is around.. they fear everyone now.. we have hardly met anyone since March end.. there have been days of intense melt down begging us ‘not to die and let them suffer alone’.. they take time to accept change..

Logic did not work.. Making them drink all traditional immunity boosters did not change mind-set.. agitation, crying for no reason and sad faces staring into oblivion became regular … Peace seemed totally lost..

Games and stories and art did some amount of magic.. I cooked up stories about imaginary characters who survived pandemics that affected the world in the past.. asked them to do the same.. we tried making funny endings..

Like the old partially blind lady who made some magic concoction accidentally and became rich as it treated the illness and so on..

Then we often draw and paint the changes we see and expect to see in the world as the effect of pandemic.. my older one calls himself a solo wanderer and he painted himself reading a book under tree in solitude happily.. younger one has been drawing green parks and happy roads..

Necessity is the mother of all.. more so for a mother..

Fears known and unknown..

Things that cause fear to others don’t cause fear to mine and the things that don’t cause fear to others cause fear to mine.. why? Probably because of difference in interests and the ability to overthink..

There are fears that they can’t even describe.. it’s a vague concept.. but keeps them awake through nights or puts them into loads of crying..

Probably they see what I don’t but I have to help them as they are still little kids.. art is therapy and fun.. it can fill the gaps in communication easily.. I find it to be a better key to open many doors.. so on one halloween I decided to pull up a concept of “eat your fears” .. we made a list and decided to work on reducing items from the list.. Kids made out figures of their fears in the wheat dough and we made rotis and we ate them off.. daily we list the fears before bed and say we will face these bravely.. though they have not disappeared from the list they don’t keep us awake at night.. slowly I hope they disappear from our list..

The child psychology understands art better than adult.. when fun and assurance become part of it they seem to accept the need for change with lesser resistance..