Is empathy a skill or inborn quality?

My older one would think a hundred times to even squish a cockroach.. if a dragon fly broke it’s wings he would cry for it.. if he found a dead dog on the road he will not sleep for days.. if a tree is cut : the consequences are even more sever..he is soaked in empathy for nature..

But only when another human is in immense pain he understands their pain.. otherwise it has to be pointed out to him.. he has to be explained to about how different their situations could be from his.. constant reminders have to be put to think before talking.. he has to be convinced to give allowances before concluding.. yes his little anger towards humanity for being unfair to nature is also a cause..

I have thought I could never make him empathetic towards other humans.. I don’t wish for a brainer and monetarily successful child but a peaceful and happy one.. I have been pointing out to him in all creative ways using stories, pretend situations, play and art to see from other person’s perspective.. I have been saying along with my kids from when they have been talking that “we are happy, peaceful and empathetic people” before we go to bed every day.. I wasn’t sure if this would yield results but I have been doing it with full heart.. along with the family cuddling before bed..

Something surprising happened yesterday.. my younger one has the habit of tying threads, ribbons and ropes across different places at home during play.. we have been constantly telling her to remove them after play but she always forgets.. there have been mild accidents too because of it.. yesterday I tripped in one such tied rope at night after dinner while doing something in a dark room.. my head hit the corner of the door frame on wall and I sprained my ankle.. in pain I screamed out at my younger one and her dad got angry at her too and yelled at her.. she was shaken and started crying of shock.. big brother immediately jumped out of his work and hugged her and kissed her.. he kept rubbing her back till she was calmer.. I held back husband’s hand and waited to see what was going on.. he told us sternly,” I know what she did was wrong but what you guys did was wrong too!” And he told her “hug amma you will feel better.. rub her head gently.. it’s swollen..” he brought an ice pack for my ankle.. this has never happened in these 10 years..

He was sensibly empathetic and sensitive to everyone.. one more goal of hope for mom.. 😊.. the little joys of motherhood.. and yes ofcourse me and hubby discussed it at night with amazement! Nothing is permanent..

Mindfulness and activities for gifted kids

Small bags and pouches by my 10 year old

I had a tough day.. what ever I did I couldn’t control the outbursts of emotions.. I tried to maintain calm and explain, hugged, tried to play , watch something together on tv, read together but every few minutes they were charged and charging over each other for trivial things.. the noise level was too high.. crying happened for most part of the day.. I did not know what to do..

I just took up my sewing kit and theirs.. placed everything on the sewing table and started off on my mindful rhythmic sewing patterns.. few minutes later both were sitting beside me sewing their stuff.. all of a sudden the whole house was calm and peaceful..

I collect scrap fabrics from my projects into a bin.. I use them to teach them quilting.. I let them plan their lay out and choose fabrics.. then hand sew.. no deadlines.. no pressure.. just some rhythmic motion based on their ideas..

It improves hand-eye coordination, calms the brain, converts their energies into something positive.. improves appreciation for hand work.. boosts self confidence and self belief.. I insist on converting the small patches they make into products of their use.. it improves self worth to look at what you make with your hands being of good use.. choosing a design and colour coordination helps in decision making.. it is a way to express feelings.. it’s a mode to communicate..

They enjoy the process.. perfection is not the aim but perseverance is.. it’s a life skill too.. with no gender barriers.. helps navigate through emotions.. better than a regular boring handwriting book to train the hands..

My 5 year old working on embroidery for her quilt

Solo traveler

I asked my 10year son to describe him to me and he said after some thinking that he is a ” solo traveler ” .. I asked him to explain and he said ” I like to let my thoughts guide me at my own pace to what I want to do next than travel with others around me.. I like to enjoy my process and experience the thrill of doing them just by myself” .. I asked him if he is happy and he said alone he is super happy and with others around he is happy only sometimes.. I asked him why? And he said he feels a bit insecure when lot of people are around and a pressure to perform better in presence of others is not a great feeling.. you have to talk consciously, behave consciously and act consciously.. very difficult.. strong words for a 10 year old

Then I asked my 5 year old the same question.. she said she is super happy being her own friend.. but she also likes being around with lesser people and not lots of people.. why? ” Because I like observing how others do things and sometimes participate but when there are lots of people there are too many ideas and too many people looking at you.. it’s not a good feeling.. with lesser people we can talk better.. ” that’s very similar to my older one but she does like little company once in a while..

I asked them if they don’t miss communication if they are by themselves? Older one said ” I get time to think over and act slowly.. I can write, draw or chat with someone online when I want rather than having to talk in that moment itself.. I am still communicating.. ” Younger one said, “I talk to myself and I have all that I feel in my paintings and I can sew too.. I will show them when I want to , to someone and tell them what I want to tell them.. others need not know.. if I want I will talk to people else I won’t..”

How beautifully they explained an introvert’s life.. how they enjoy their various modes of communication.. they are sensitive.. what other’s think inhibits their thought processes.. they need time to respond and in their own way.. in fact my older one has been reading tremendously and chatting with some adults in online gardening and science communities without any difficulty.. the daughter has exhibited her feelings a lot though art in the lockdown period . I find them to be less angrier and less agitated in the past few months.. they are able to easily cope up being away from the world.. and have learnt a lot at greater pace at peace..

Introverts need support and understanding of their modes of communication rather than a push to be with the world.. there is no one means of communication that suits everyone.. we just have to be open and sensitive to the talk.. not everyone can express everything by speaking out in public.. Introverts are happy people too but in a different way.. just don’t push them.. solo but not lonely.. that should be the aim..

The family konjal!

Whatever happens.. however it happens.. it doesn’t matter.. at the end of the day before saying the night Slokas we do family konjal! I.e we do family cuddling.. (konjal is Tamil)

We decide to forgive and forget everything every night before bed.. all we try to remember is that we love each other beyond everything and will be beside each other inspite of everything..

It helps my gifted kids a lot to remove the burden of self blaming or inferiority complex or insecurity.. they know what ever they do we will still love them.. and we believe whatever we do they will learn to love us.. all of us are learning.. we are learning to parent and they are learning to live.. together we are learning life..

There are days when tears trickle down when we hug.. the day has been intense.. to know that you are still loved is calming.. to know you are still accepted is soothing.. to know you can be yourself is assuring..

It’s tough to let go and hug with whole heart but when we do we can see how much we need it more than them..

It also helps my kids see that in a family it is ok to hug or kiss and there is nothing wrong in showing your partner or parents your love without inhibitions … It’s great to express love.. it’s great to let go.. it’s great to remember to start afresh before you go to bed..

It gives more hope for tomorrow..

Pandemic and uncertainty

While others are trying their best to keep kids at home due to the pandemic, I have made no efforts.. as there is no need of it! They have not played outside the house or met friends or fought to go out.. it is me and husband who are trying to send them for a walk early morning (mine are early wakers) when no one is around.. they fear everyone now.. we have hardly met anyone since March end.. there have been days of intense melt down begging us ‘not to die and let them suffer alone’.. they take time to accept change..

Logic did not work.. Making them drink all traditional immunity boosters did not change mind-set.. agitation, crying for no reason and sad faces staring into oblivion became regular … Peace seemed totally lost..

Games and stories and art did some amount of magic.. I cooked up stories about imaginary characters who survived pandemics that affected the world in the past.. asked them to do the same.. we tried making funny endings..

Like the old partially blind lady who made some magic concoction accidentally and became rich as it treated the illness and so on..

Then we often draw and paint the changes we see and expect to see in the world as the effect of pandemic.. my older one calls himself a solo wanderer and he painted himself reading a book under tree in solitude happily.. younger one has been drawing green parks and happy roads..

Necessity is the mother of all.. more so for a mother..

Fears known and unknown..

Things that cause fear to others don’t cause fear to mine and the things that don’t cause fear to others cause fear to mine.. why? Probably because of difference in interests and the ability to overthink..

There are fears that they can’t even describe.. it’s a vague concept.. but keeps them awake through nights or puts them into loads of crying..

Probably they see what I don’t but I have to help them as they are still little kids.. art is therapy and fun.. it can fill the gaps in communication easily.. I find it to be a better key to open many doors.. so on one halloween I decided to pull up a concept of “eat your fears” .. we made a list and decided to work on reducing items from the list.. Kids made out figures of their fears in the wheat dough and we made rotis and we ate them off.. daily we list the fears before bed and say we will face these bravely.. though they have not disappeared from the list they don’t keep us awake at night.. slowly I hope they disappear from our list..

The child psychology understands art better than adult.. when fun and assurance become part of it they seem to accept the need for change with lesser resistance..

Easy?

#lifewithgifted #giftedkids #coping #hope #faith #life #challenges #sensitivity

There are days I want to just quit.. and stay away from everything.. I know handling our life and of others is tough for everyone but how can I explain how tough mine is?

There is lot of mental work leading to mental and physical exhaustion.. there are days when I can do no more..

While handling the overthinking, overwhelming, over enthusiasm, over frustration, overflow of anger and fear, over ability.. ‘over’ of everything.. it’s really tough..

providing reassurance again and again peacefully is tough.. maintaining sanity while pulling out references to explain the same thing is tough.. knowing that they know and understand more than you yet they need assistance is tough.. knowing and understanding that you are handling someone growing up mentally faster is tough.. satisfying their high urge to learn more and more is tough.. understanding and living with the fact that it’s tough to blend yet you have to make them blend is tough.. putting up with constantly mocking people, of lesser understanding about your situation is tough..

Being the the sole shoulder to cry on, hand to hold on to, guide, mentor, friend, healer… Is tough..

How suddenly I get woken up in the middle of the night by the tiny hands crying for help as their excessive sensitivity is making them over think and over react.. responding to them requires a lot of diligence and diplomacy… I have to educate myself to help them better.. it’s tough.. I have cried out many a times but …

But I have to take a deep breath and go on . God has provided me these gifts as he knew I can.. and I will.. I rejuvenate myself often with lots of little things to keep going… I look at the tiny far away stars on no moon days to tell myself there is light though far way.. I have to be balanced to nurture these gifted that I have received as gifts.. Hope, trust and faith…

The Maya of my home

Whenever someone visits my home they find it annoying that I hang around around them a lot.. 🤷 I know they don’t understand the gravity of the situation they have got themselves into.. because what looks like water isn’t really water but some mix of chemicals for testing.. what looks like edible potato is probably potato dipped in peroxide because someone in some website said it makes them grow better.. what looks like juice is probably some acidic or basic solution for some experiment.. and the contents of some nice looking box can be parts of a disintegrated insect..

Now you would have got a rough idea about the danger looming around the unsuspecting guests.. no these are not pranks but part of my 10 year old’s reasearch.. the kitchen counter looks like a convenient ready made lab and gets used more by him than me.. so for the safety of the guests I need to hang around them while they are in my jurisdiction.. 🤷 living with a scientist requires certain skills and experience.. and we believe in practicals than theory..

If you still want to risk entering my home then better enter with an health insurance..

#life #lifewithgifted #giftedkids #highIQ #scientist #mom’slife

The need to be calm from inside

#lifewithgifted #higerIQ #emotions #innerpeace #spiritualhealth #giftedkids #hope

Many at times I see my kids struggling to understand and express their emotions.. especially my older one.. he is very sensitive to nature including plants and bugs.. he feels pain when he hears or gets to see even the slightest damage.. the anger, frustration and highly charged state of mind are difficult to handle.. he thinks after he talks and ends up feeling guilty.. things go out control soon.. emotional intensity is more..

I have been trying to calm him with whatever material I get to read to him.. but this time I gave the responsibility to him.. I asked him to find his way to a good spiritual health.. provided him some options and he choose a Bhagawat Gita discourse.. as he chose it he had higher sense of responsibility to attend it everyday.. with every discourse I saw him digging deeper and understanding better.. yes there were days when he found so many faults within him and wept.. but then he understood that learning from mistakes are important and no one can be perfect.. he is able to find the actual cause for his anger.. he is able to forgive more easily than before.. he doesn’t harbour the guilt.. he is able to breathe better through his frustrations.. he is more calm as a person now.. he is trying to think and talk.. he has more respect for all.. he is finding a God who is his friend to confide in and not a power to fear of.. he has hope that God will hold his fingers through tough times and listen to him.. he has hope that God will shop him the path through someone when needed.. he has started beliving that ‘ whatever happens happens for good’ . There is a long way to go but the change has began in a constructive way..

Whatever may be the religion a strong belief in the creator helps.. the gifted need it more to calm themselves and accept themselves..

Learning from the unknown faces!

#lifewithgifted #learning #pandemic #lifeinlockdown #giftedkids #education #vituallearning #virtualclasses #tasksforgifted

The pandemic lockdown has been a blessing of sorts.. this is the first year that we have stayed back home for the summer.. usually we stay at grandparents place or go on vacation to explore places according to kids line of interests and our garden doesn’t get enough care but this year we are around.. and we learnt a lot from unknown faces across the globe with out travelling..

I gave my 10 year old 4 tasks based on his interests- learn something related to zoology, something related to gardening, something to improve his spiritual health and some hand work.. I gave him a budget and told him to look for online classes for the first 3.. he came up with few choices and we opted for what suits us the best among them.. he felt more in control of his life which he had been fighting for but he was still under our guidance.. he went on do a course with a zoo, then a gardening course, a Bhagawat Gita class and started on his new quilt( with me).. as he had a little more left in his budget he took up a coding class too..

This venture has been pretty successful as he finished 4 of the 5 tasks that he took up and our garden is lush green.. we have had a decent harvest and it radiates a lot of positive vibrations.. he feels a lot happier and is able to manage his time better.. he has gone ahead to become a member in a virtual gardening group, getting help and rendering help too. They don’t know that they are talking to a kid but look up to him for advice. He is loving the process as to answer them he is learning more.. I have met several road blocks in many classes as they found his age to be a barrier.. though he is mentally far ahead he was not included due to age.. but that barrier has been broken in the virtual community.. he finds the virtual community for learning to be comfortable as he can walk in and out when he pleases.. he has his moods.. yes there have been days of tantrums where he would ask for exotic seeds but then the spiritual discourses have helped him calm down and think if he really needs them.. to fulfill the course with the zoo he went ahead to make comic strips, posters and stories for the assignments as they did not restrict him with regular testing at the end of the course.. as for the hand sewing.. he is still learning slowly to work patiently.. and coding class was completed too..

Overall we have had beautiful time learning to learn in a new way.. and house is more calm, smelling good with the harvests..