“He is too sharp..” “he cuts like knife..”” it’s because of you that he is like this…” “Children learn from parents so the cause is you..”” what’s the use of his brain he is going to die alone” “you will struggle when he grows up because you are making him rude..”

I have been hearing these for a very long time after becoming a parent.. I have felt the burden of guilt too heavy to even see any hope for myself in life.. I hardly get into groups, being an introvert myself I have struggled to talk to people.. I prefer communication by writing or messages than a direct one on one talk.. I don’t know diplomacy.. the guilty feeling that I wasn’t being a good example being cause for ruining my child was killing me.. I tried my best but no one belives me.. every time I hear a remark I feel more heavy.. I feel like a looser.. a failure.. I stick to my art – my world my saviour.. the rhythmic motion of my machine feels like a lullaby..as my machine sews puting together ripped useless scraps to form something beautiful, unique and soothing I feel I can.. I regain the bits of me scattered around and put them back but in a different format.. I rework my thoughts.. my processes..

I start again with my ritual of pretend play.. bringing his attention to what soothed him a situation or in a conversation.. reinforcing positive affirmations daily night.. that family cuddling to tell him and me that whatever it be we are there for each other..

And today I saw a ray of hope again.. he was engaged in an online group conversation with his class mates over making a presentation.. he very consciously helped his friends improve on their ideas.. he appreciated them as he led them.. he made sure it was a group effort and not just his.. his voice though loud as usual was having a different tone.. it had reassurance, kindness and was slow paced.. he wasn’t talking hurriedly but thinking and talking.. they finished their work on time..I was noticing all this while hand sewing in another room..

Yes I am their mother and first teacher.. my instincts don’t give up easily.. though my hands are working I notice these changes in my kid silently.. I appreciated him gently in front of the younger one as she needs to see these examples.. I need not start all over from scratch with her.. and yes I shed a few tears of happiness silently.. he will not die alone as predicted by some.. that’s more than enough for me.. when he is an adult people may not know about the metamorphosis but I know it took time, effort, patience, belief and love..