Learning from my own past self

I am doing an audit of things that I own.. and I am getting lost in memories now and then.. Most of these embroidery threads were not bought.. only few were got recently.. the rest are almost 2 decades old.. won as a prize at various embroidery contests during school days.. I have some cross stitch kits too that were won as prizes.. but never opened..

I won national level contests for my age group hands down.. but let me tell you none of my award winning entries were ever completed pieces.. Anchor used to come school by school and conduct the competition on a particular day with a stipulated time.. I was never able to finish in the given time.. the perfectionist in me would be more involved in not making even the lightest mistake, that time just flew off in the process.. My teacher would always insist on me finishing my work very patiently.. she had more faith in me.. There was an incident where the competition judge came looking for me at school once, to figure out a stitch that I had done in my piece.. she was so impressed that she asked me to demonstrate.. it was nothing but a basic herringbone stitch that I had used with a different spacing.. now I find that to be the common way doing the stitch.. But I had no interest in embroidery.. I never took it seriously and forgot about it..until few years back when I stumbled upon a box that contained these.. I have been recollecting whatever I had learnt with my sampler book done during school.. thankfully I had written elaborate notes for everything with dos and don’ts.. It helps me in my mindfulness now..

Now these memories serve as a reminder to be more patient with the 2 that have a lot of me in them.. to let them enjoy all that they learn just for the fun of learning.. they may not be interested in everything that they are good at.. they may pick it up later in life for various other reasons.. knowing a variety of stuff will definitely help somewhere in life.. it may just be that one thing that helps divert mind.. it’s ok..

Expressions

My younger one would draw anywhere and everywhere.. though she loves seeing you tube videos of art works, she has her own way of expressing everything.. she loves to draw about herself.. like this picture.. it’s her self portrait of sorts.. I asked her to explain it to me and I was so amazed by the layers in the thought process.. here goes the explanation..

I always like being inside a flower.. looking at things around me from it.. the flower is sometimes very colourful, but sometimes not.. it has many things in it.. sometimes I want to close the petals and keep myself warm but sometimes I want to open it and feel bright and cool.. sometimes I feel like going out of the flower and walking in the garden if other flowers are interesting.. all the colours around are so interesting..

I learnt she sees everything as colours.. emotions, feelings,etc..

How she reacts to things around her makes a lot of sense now.. there is no one solution that fits all.. setting boundaries based on our understandings limits the possibilities.. because every brain, heart and mind works in zillion combinations to give so many ways of thinking, perceiving and understanding.. when spoken language tends to be a difficulty, there are so many unspoken languages to explore and express.. let’s not set rules and regulations for them too.. let them communicate better because everyone can’t communicate in the same way and every feeling can’t be communicated in the same way.. let all possibilities be open without pressure..

Comprehending may take time for them and us but the journey of parenting is a learning by itself.. so let us keep it an open blank book and have new messages in it custom made for us..

When the cat is out of the bag

My kids usually don’t talk much about their interests to people they are not used to.. my younger one is exceptionally silent when she is in a crowd.. but when they talk the reactions vary to extremes.. some jaws drop, some judge us for being pushy parents, some tell us we are making them loose their childhood, some consider us lucky to have such exceptionally talented kids, some call us ‘show off’, some even paint us with casteist remarks and some consider our lives extremely easy because our kids can learn so much very easily..

We have learnt to become immune over the years to these reactions.. we have even learnt to make humour out the reactions.. this has become part of our lives.. their judgements, comments and ideas don’t make our life better or difficult.. we can’t control their reactions but we can control our response.. zindagi melegi na dobara.. you won’t get life again.. so we are trying to make the best of what God has gifted us with.. we are living as happily as possible with ourselves with room for self-improvement , always.. whatever be one’s gift, there is a lot of hardwork and passion needed to make the best of the gift..

I love a sentence from a famous Tamil movie- “kashta pattu velai pannaa pathaadhu, ishta pattu velai paakanum” there is no use working hard , we need to work with passion .. When we work with passion we enjoy the process too.. it makes life more simple.. when watering a tree it’s important to enjoy every leaf that comes up than waiting for the sweet fruits that come much later in life.. we may not be around to taste them.. so let’s not postpone the little joys of life..

Managing varied capabilities and time

So his art was was due last month for submission.. and he has a zillion interests and limited time.. he gets carried away into the depths of whatever he starts off or carried away by something totally off topic.. So his art work never got done.. and I have been behind him reminding him for days..

Reminding did not seem to work so got involved in his daily schedule making.. he has nothing called a schedule so I have been behind his life to work on a schedule for him all by himself.. so he has started making a schedule.. but hasn’t been successful in finishing things on it but atleast a few things have got done.. we are reviewing every morning and at the end of the day.. it is making him a little conscious of time.. so some pending stuffs are off this list finally..

Capability without the ability to execute doesn’t seem to reach anywhere.. loads of hobbies are not seeing day light due to lack of time.. and if even a little thing in it was not a subject of his interest it ended up not being done.. like in the art it wasn’t an animal based art so there was zero motivation to do.. but it’s school assignment and had to be done.. so we are working on pooling in some effort towards things that have to been done though it may not be of his interest.. because everything in life may not be of our area of interest always but we need some self motivation to get it done..

We have been taking about what is the duty of every role based on Bhagavat Gita as he loves reading and understanding it.. and linking those to his duty as a student, son, brother and citizen of the world.. it seems to work.. let’s see how it progresses..

Today it’s a Thief ant..

Younger one stealthily goes into the room where older one is attending online class.. hurriedly whispers something into his ears before I get hold of her.. that’s the end of his attention in class.. 🤦🤷

They both spend the rest of the afternoon and evening in ant 🐜 research! Thankfully they (ants) all went to sleep at night.. she had seen a huge ant colony in action and decided to get more information through big brother ( she know which switch to press to get the right kind of work done🤷) ! He found that more interesting as this was a “once in a lifetime opportunity” to see an ant moving it’s colony along with the queens and larvae.. I spent reminding him to attend the rest of the classes, finish class work, home work and other stuff..

Today it was because of the ants, yesterday it was because of the earthworms, one day because of ladybug and so on.. when they get into something it’s always on the extreme end.. the rest of the world is forgotten.. and pending work just adds on.. but I don’t give up too.. let’s see if I manage to keep them on track..

I took help when needed..

Having to struggle alone knowing that my kids are different had its consequences.. there was a lot of isolation that we faced and are facing .. I found it difficult, not knowing if what I was doing was right.. I was having enough of it all alone.. did not know what to do..One day I just decided to talk to the school counselor about it and that’s when things started changing.. it led me to the world of gifted.. I met a psychologist who dealt with gifted.. it was then I knew that there was someone to talk to.. she led me to other parents of gifted kids.. A woman I look up to told me once that ‘ when you dare to walk the path other women will walk along’.. and that’s what happened..

Not only did I get more company and hope but my child felt more accepted with people like him.. it gave him a sense of belonging.. I started to slowly hear everyone’s stories.. very similar to mine.. I got to see how other gifted kids were growing up to face challenges better.. how difficulties were being used as opportunities.. I started getting more confident about my instincts and methodology.. I can see similar changes in my child too.. he is more confident and is able to speak for himself better.. he is picking up the rope and climbing higher easily.. we can see we have more people who understand us and are helping us build ourselves.. there is constructive criticism too , to help us ..

The feeling that when we have a situation there are people to give inputs from their experiences, guide with resources and just to provide a shoulder for support, is in itself a great feeling.. it reduces pressure.. there are more women walking along my path in itself is very reassuring.. though other people’s perspectives of us hasn’t changed we are able to drive through the path better equipped.. I am happy that I took help when needed!

Detached attachment

Whenever he feels sad he would ask for a hug.. he always says it makes him feel better.. but off late he says my hugs are more calming than ever.. yes I too feel more calm than before after I realised something..

I read these words in a holy book, “though your child is from you he/she is not a part of you.. they are separate souls of their own”.. yes I have heard it many times before but it struck me only recently.. I am responsible for the safety and learnings of the child but not entirely for every action of the child.. there is his/her own individual self that responds and reacts differently from mine.. though I can show what is right and wrong, I can’t totally control every act..

Do your ‘Karma’ without expecting is easier said than done.. but I am slowly learning that I have to give my best yet stay detached.. love unconditionally both myself and my kids whatever be the situation.. I am slowly putting the onus of responsibility on them.. they are responsible for their acts.. yes it may sound like a lazy, bad mother but it is the truth.. I want them to grow their wings without burning mine..

The guilt of motherhood is reducing and I am able to enjoy their childhood better.. and offer more calming hugs..

The art of fermentation!

I made the idli batter in the morning.. it is fermenting.. the smell is heavenly after almost 8 hrs.. if I let it ferment too much then it gets that sour smell and becomes a hard idli when I make one.. if I don’t wait for fermentation it’s not that fluffy, soft Idli.. The fermentation is an art.. not too much not too less.. just right.. some get it by instinct and some need to learn.. result is a soft, fluffy and healthy idli known for its amazing benefits…

The same goes with waiting for your opportunities too.. I learnt it by experience.. figuring out the right time to grab the opportunity is an art.. and I am trying to help my children learn it.. my older has no patience to wait while my younger one waits too much that she looses her opportunities.. showing the optimum state .. the Goldie locks period is a challenge.. citing examples.. analysing situations of past.. pretend play.. I am trying it all..

Why so much effort? Because because thinking once or twice before execution improves the process.. Because great ideas need the right time and right place to become useful inventions.. Because great things need time to become greater.. Because it reduces damages and wastage of time on mending things that could have been avoided.. Because you can compete with yourself and get better.. Because there is always a room for improvement..

Change needs time..

“He is too sharp..” “he cuts like knife..”” it’s because of you that he is like this…” “Children learn from parents so the cause is you..”” what’s the use of his brain he is going to die alone” “you will struggle when he grows up because you are making him rude..”

I have been hearing these for a very long time after becoming a parent.. I have felt the burden of guilt too heavy to even see any hope for myself in life.. I hardly get into groups, being an introvert myself I have struggled to talk to people.. I prefer communication by writing or messages than a direct one on one talk.. I don’t know diplomacy.. the guilty feeling that I wasn’t being a good example being cause for ruining my child was killing me.. I tried my best but no one belives me.. every time I hear a remark I feel more heavy.. I feel like a looser.. a failure.. I stick to my art – my world my saviour.. the rhythmic motion of my machine feels like a lullaby..as my machine sews puting together ripped useless scraps to form something beautiful, unique and soothing I feel I can.. I regain the bits of me scattered around and put them back but in a different format.. I rework my thoughts.. my processes..

I start again with my ritual of pretend play.. bringing his attention to what soothed him a situation or in a conversation.. reinforcing positive affirmations daily night.. that family cuddling to tell him and me that whatever it be we are there for each other..

And today I saw a ray of hope again.. he was engaged in an online group conversation with his class mates over making a presentation.. he very consciously helped his friends improve on their ideas.. he appreciated them as he led them.. he made sure it was a group effort and not just his.. his voice though loud as usual was having a different tone.. it had reassurance, kindness and was slow paced.. he wasn’t talking hurriedly but thinking and talking.. they finished their work on time..I was noticing all this while hand sewing in another room..

Yes I am their mother and first teacher.. my instincts don’t give up easily.. though my hands are working I notice these changes in my kid silently.. I appreciated him gently in front of the younger one as she needs to see these examples.. I need not start all over from scratch with her.. and yes I shed a few tears of happiness silently.. he will not die alone as predicted by some.. that’s more than enough for me.. when he is an adult people may not know about the metamorphosis but I know it took time, effort, patience, belief and love..

Mindfulness and activities for gifted kids

Small bags and pouches by my 10 year old

I had a tough day.. what ever I did I couldn’t control the outbursts of emotions.. I tried to maintain calm and explain, hugged, tried to play , watch something together on tv, read together but every few minutes they were charged and charging over each other for trivial things.. the noise level was too high.. crying happened for most part of the day.. I did not know what to do..

I just took up my sewing kit and theirs.. placed everything on the sewing table and started off on my mindful rhythmic sewing patterns.. few minutes later both were sitting beside me sewing their stuff.. all of a sudden the whole house was calm and peaceful..

I collect scrap fabrics from my projects into a bin.. I use them to teach them quilting.. I let them plan their lay out and choose fabrics.. then hand sew.. no deadlines.. no pressure.. just some rhythmic motion based on their ideas..

It improves hand-eye coordination, calms the brain, converts their energies into something positive.. improves appreciation for hand work.. boosts self confidence and self belief.. I insist on converting the small patches they make into products of their use.. it improves self worth to look at what you make with your hands being of good use.. choosing a design and colour coordination helps in decision making.. it is a way to express feelings.. it’s a mode to communicate..

They enjoy the process.. perfection is not the aim but perseverance is.. it’s a life skill too.. with no gender barriers.. helps navigate through emotions.. better than a regular boring handwriting book to train the hands..