Refills!

Another crying session, imagining things to go out of control by younger one.. from morning everything is triggering her.. she feels like just crying is what she says.. it’s not just crying.. it’s wailing , screaming , finding flaunts with everything.. her brother isn’t able to put it up any further so he starts getting agitated.. I sit beside her in the room holding her hand till she feels she can move on.. I know, tomorrow may not be like this.. it may be an extremely happy day for no reason or just be a continuation of this.. I try to avoid both going out of control by keeping them away, as it’s even more stressful for me to handle.. Neither am I screaming nor am I participating in it.. but I feel extremely tired both mentally and physically. May be I am passing on my energy to recharge them and getting depleted. May have many spiritual explanations but I had to find a way to cope soon.

This is a regular happening. I know they will find a way to handle themselves soon but I am concerned about my exhaustion as my quantity time is needed and I need to be able to be present often. I was wondering what I could do to recharge myself often and quickly.. I may need to do it several times a day.. Art is a therapy. Art is my career but I keep some part of it only for my hobby.. like embroidery. I have been using it as a meditative and affirmative work to forgive my past. But I found that I did not seem to have the motivation to do it often especially with larger pieces of works. I could see I had higher motivation levels when I had to do it for my work. Designing products and miniatures excite me a lot….hmmm. So I tried a small piece of miniature embroidery, and tried to make something out of it. Tadaa! It was quick and I found it very interesting. Then I started listing down whatever can be done at that size using embroidery. It’s quick and works as my refill! So now I have set up a small corner where my embroidery stuff hang around full time. Whenever I feel exhausted, I steal away a few minutes, do a few stitches and by the end of the day I have completed 1 tiny piece atleast. It actually makes me feel good to see the end result soon.

I feel so good doing tiny projects that I have now got a bottle to store them and the bottle is getting filled up soon with tiny pieces in different colours. I haven’t turned them all into final products but the fact that I can do loads of productive things with it, is motivating me. And it’s spilt into tiny shots now and then which is keeping up my tempo.. a large piece of art just made and saved did not seem to motivate me. I found the right combo for my refill drink for now! Not sure of future !! As long as it works I will keep drinking it!

Can’t transfer from an empty cup to anyone else!!

Have you found your zen refills and combos??

2 roads diverge in an yellow wood and I sit inbetween!

So someone was telling me how lucky and stress free my life is, as I have gifted kids. She went on, “they will understand everything and be cautious and understanding. Even during fevers you must be having a smooth run..” I can only think ,”how can people imagine whatever they want and comment however they want ??🙄🤔”

While one would recreate the climax scene of Rajesh Khanna’s Anandh movie saying ,” amma I don’t want to die, please save me” for a small blood clot, googling all the symptoms and convincing himself that he has the most dreadful combination of diseases. Other one would go into complete denial even when running a 104F temperature ( yes you heard me right) and refuse medication, controlling all her symptoms and saying that I am conspiring against her.. 🤷🤦🙄🤯🤯

He is a classic example of Brownian movement. His scientist’s brain will be so at work that he will be lost in his experiments with all living and non living stuff that he will not even know if he hit himself against anything leading to blood clots or the contamination that happens because of all the handlings. I will have to switch off the WiFi modem, hide all the gadgets that have their own data connections so as to avoid all the “googling the symptoms” and he anyways will hit a 103F for even the mildest normal fever in the beginning itself. He is strong willed in doing what he wishes and is convinced about. 🤷

She on the other hand is an extremely strong willed person who will do what she wishes only and refuses suggestions and advices( btw I am talking about a 6 year old from her birth). Has a mind of her own. If she wishes to not showcase her pain she will do it effectively. Her body will not show fever until it’s really extreme. Even then she will go on denial mode and keep doing whatever she wished to do even if it means extremely high temperature. Refusing any help and medication. 🤷🤦. The conspiracy theories allegations that she puts up against us are pretty interesting!Strong willed women are what I love until I have to bring up one! 🙄.

My pediatrician dreads our visits! When both fall sick together or in succession I feel like getting myself admitted in hospital! I make sure to keep them both in 2 different bedrooms! Having 2 active volcanoes beside each other is not great you see🤷! Dukh me sumiran sab karen! ( Everybody remembers in sad times) I do the sumiran of the architect of this house who designed the bedrooms just opposite to each other with hall-dinning area in between, my in laws for choosing this compact house when my husband wanted to buy a house, where the kitchen is so within reach, this area where the hospital is just across the road.. see what all I thank God for.. I spend most of the time in the hall between the rooms. At nights if husband is in town he will babysit one while I the other else again I will put the pillow inbetween the rooms and shuttle as required. Most of my time goes in making them see the mid-path.. I save up my energy to keep myself in good health and keep saying “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” like Dori of Nemo. I eat without guilt whenever time permits just making sure it’s all healthy stuff because anyways my kids will take care of burning the calories!!

Did I tell you about the promises? They will tell me they have learnt their lessons and will be cautious and understanding hence forth, thanking me for being kind, when the fever is at peak.. but once normal they are back to square one, with all experiments on suff like teaching the frogs to race, feeding ants to dragonfly , digging poops of different creatures.. and what not.. the tamil saying goes “kudichaven petchu vidinjaa pochu” a drunkard’s promise is gone at sunrise.. I just nod when they promise hoping they soon build their immunity..

Just because kids are gifted doesn’t mean easy life.. I have just shown you 2 combinations of characters. There are more permutations and combinations with the gifted. My heart goes out to every parent of the gifted who know what a commitment it is to have these kids.. others will not know and will not understand..

Learning from my own past self

I am doing an audit of things that I own.. and I am getting lost in memories now and then.. Most of these embroidery threads were not bought.. only few were got recently.. the rest are almost 2 decades old.. won as a prize at various embroidery contests during school days.. I have some cross stitch kits too that were won as prizes.. but never opened..

I won national level contests for my age group hands down.. but let me tell you none of my award winning entries were ever completed pieces.. Anchor used to come school by school and conduct the competition on a particular day with a stipulated time.. I was never able to finish in the given time.. the perfectionist in me would be more involved in not making even the lightest mistake, that time just flew off in the process.. My teacher would always insist on me finishing my work very patiently.. she had more faith in me.. There was an incident where the competition judge came looking for me at school once, to figure out a stitch that I had done in my piece.. she was so impressed that she asked me to demonstrate.. it was nothing but a basic herringbone stitch that I had used with a different spacing.. now I find that to be the common way doing the stitch.. But I had no interest in embroidery.. I never took it seriously and forgot about it..until few years back when I stumbled upon a box that contained these.. I have been recollecting whatever I had learnt with my sampler book done during school.. thankfully I had written elaborate notes for everything with dos and don’ts.. It helps me in my mindfulness now..

Now these memories serve as a reminder to be more patient with the 2 that have a lot of me in them.. to let them enjoy all that they learn just for the fun of learning.. they may not be interested in everything that they are good at.. they may pick it up later in life for various other reasons.. knowing a variety of stuff will definitely help somewhere in life.. it may just be that one thing that helps divert mind.. it’s ok..

My day..

I usually don’t sleep in the afternoon.. no not even at night until my kids sleep.. because of the experiences that I have had with these two, my senses are always on alert.. the mommy instinct hardly lets me sleep.. but I dozed off yesterday afternoon due to exhaustion, just for few mins while sitting and sewing on the sofa.. both were doing two different things in two different rooms..

My nap is disturbed by mild murmuring.. my senses are on high alert.. I remember what happened the last time I dozed off long time back.. I had dozed off doing some hand work when youngerone took a surprise nap and older one was reading a book.. I woke up because of strong smell.. or more like clorine smell( I have a chemistry background and it really helps).. I checked around and asked my older one if he smelled anything strange.. he said ‘no’ with the most innocent face 😇.. I couldn’t find anything.. I still drilled him but he said he was just reading a book.. the next day I took the wipe cloth to wipe something and it just crumbled into powder.. ok I was sure my instincts were right and took it to my ‘dear son’ and asked him.. first he denied and once I put some chemical facts out he told me that he had mixed -toilet cleaner, dishwashing liq, detergent, handwash and dettol only in tiny drops in a cup.. it over flowed with a burst and he wiped it immediately.. I showed him the consequence on the fabric.. it could have been worse on his skin but he was lucky.. reminding him to not do any experiments without my knowledge, I thanked all my stars because I have really had loads of hospital visits with this guy in the past..

Now coming to yesterday’s incident.. I hear my younger one murmuring ‘anna(bro) I see Amma’s toe finger slightly twiching.. be quick’ I don’t open my eyes and observe.. there is refrigerator closing sound, some cover opening sounds then a slight glass hitting sound and I hear foot steps going into bedroom.. I walk into the bedroom to find both looking at me like 🦉 owls.. trying to keep their mouths as flat as possible🤣.. I go into the kitchen to investigate.. I ask them ” I see cheese, biscuits missing.. but why were the spices used?” Silence.. “only if you tell me I can be prepared with a remedy incase something goes wrong.. we can’t go to hospital immediately.. ” Younger one immediately answers ” don’t worry amma.. he tried this combo in the morning when you were in the toilet.. I have been observing him.. nothing happened to him till now.. I even asked him if there was upset stomach.. nothing.. so now I too tried.. he crushed biscuit into cheese sheet and added spices.. I tasted it.. salt was missing so I added a pinch of salt and it was great.. ” thanking all my stars that this was not a risky experiment day, I ask them to give a sample to try.. 😜

When the cat is out of the bag

My kids usually don’t talk much about their interests to people they are not used to.. my younger one is exceptionally silent when she is in a crowd.. but when they talk the reactions vary to extremes.. some jaws drop, some judge us for being pushy parents, some tell us we are making them loose their childhood, some consider us lucky to have such exceptionally talented kids, some call us ‘show off’, some even paint us with casteist remarks and some consider our lives extremely easy because our kids can learn so much very easily..

We have learnt to become immune over the years to these reactions.. we have even learnt to make humour out the reactions.. this has become part of our lives.. their judgements, comments and ideas don’t make our life better or difficult.. we can’t control their reactions but we can control our response.. zindagi melegi na dobara.. you won’t get life again.. so we are trying to make the best of what God has gifted us with.. we are living as happily as possible with ourselves with room for self-improvement , always.. whatever be one’s gift, there is a lot of hardwork and passion needed to make the best of the gift..

I love a sentence from a famous Tamil movie- “kashta pattu velai pannaa pathaadhu, ishta pattu velai paakanum” there is no use working hard , we need to work with passion .. When we work with passion we enjoy the process too.. it makes life more simple.. when watering a tree it’s important to enjoy every leaf that comes up than waiting for the sweet fruits that come much later in life.. we may not be around to taste them.. so let’s not postpone the little joys of life..

Managing varied capabilities and time

So his art was was due last month for submission.. and he has a zillion interests and limited time.. he gets carried away into the depths of whatever he starts off or carried away by something totally off topic.. So his art work never got done.. and I have been behind him reminding him for days..

Reminding did not seem to work so got involved in his daily schedule making.. he has nothing called a schedule so I have been behind his life to work on a schedule for him all by himself.. so he has started making a schedule.. but hasn’t been successful in finishing things on it but atleast a few things have got done.. we are reviewing every morning and at the end of the day.. it is making him a little conscious of time.. so some pending stuffs are off this list finally..

Capability without the ability to execute doesn’t seem to reach anywhere.. loads of hobbies are not seeing day light due to lack of time.. and if even a little thing in it was not a subject of his interest it ended up not being done.. like in the art it wasn’t an animal based art so there was zero motivation to do.. but it’s school assignment and had to be done.. so we are working on pooling in some effort towards things that have to been done though it may not be of his interest.. because everything in life may not be of our area of interest always but we need some self motivation to get it done..

We have been taking about what is the duty of every role based on Bhagavat Gita as he loves reading and understanding it.. and linking those to his duty as a student, son, brother and citizen of the world.. it seems to work.. let’s see how it progresses..

I let the Child lead

I often face this statement / judgement that I have fed too much into my child’s head.. I push them to learn loads.. but in reality I let them learn what they wanted and in their own ways..

My younger one would say that she wants to paint the whole day.. I don’t stop her but when she picks up a book and asks me to teach I don’t stop her whatever it be..

With my older one too that’s how I started.. I did not go by the level 1 ,2,3.. of books.. I just kept an array of books at reachable level from when he was able to walk.. I just used to sit and read for few minutes in front of him.. never insisted him to sit down.. He started sitting in a corner with a random book, go through the pictures and place it back.. then slowly he started being picky about books.. the encyclopaedias where his first choice.. mostly animal based book.. then slowly he started asking me to read out what was written.. We started with encyclopaedias and not alphabets or small word books.. I always kept a variety of books.. for a long time he was picky but now he reads any printed matter.. from small stories to fiction to history.. his favourite teacher at school is the librerian 😂.. and yes the teachers appreciate his vast knowledge and reading habit.. He has been an independent reader from 5 years of age..

It’s working the same way with the younger one.. she started learning to cook from 2years of age.. she would always sit next to me and make rotis, cut veggies as she loved doing it..her choice of books are different though but she leads and is already a good reader at 6 years..

Letting the child lead in what they want to learn is crucial.. I call this “Child led learning ” .. these take time but once the child is ready they proceed very comfortably and fast…

So what they have learnt till now is based on their interests and according to their pace.. nothing was force fed..

Today it’s a Thief ant..

Younger one stealthily goes into the room where older one is attending online class.. hurriedly whispers something into his ears before I get hold of her.. that’s the end of his attention in class.. 🤦🤷

They both spend the rest of the afternoon and evening in ant 🐜 research! Thankfully they (ants) all went to sleep at night.. she had seen a huge ant colony in action and decided to get more information through big brother ( she know which switch to press to get the right kind of work done🤷) ! He found that more interesting as this was a “once in a lifetime opportunity” to see an ant moving it’s colony along with the queens and larvae.. I spent reminding him to attend the rest of the classes, finish class work, home work and other stuff..

Today it was because of the ants, yesterday it was because of the earthworms, one day because of ladybug and so on.. when they get into something it’s always on the extreme end.. the rest of the world is forgotten.. and pending work just adds on.. but I don’t give up too.. let’s see if I manage to keep them on track..

I took help when needed..

Having to struggle alone knowing that my kids are different had its consequences.. there was a lot of isolation that we faced and are facing .. I found it difficult, not knowing if what I was doing was right.. I was having enough of it all alone.. did not know what to do..One day I just decided to talk to the school counselor about it and that’s when things started changing.. it led me to the world of gifted.. I met a psychologist who dealt with gifted.. it was then I knew that there was someone to talk to.. she led me to other parents of gifted kids.. A woman I look up to told me once that ‘ when you dare to walk the path other women will walk along’.. and that’s what happened..

Not only did I get more company and hope but my child felt more accepted with people like him.. it gave him a sense of belonging.. I started to slowly hear everyone’s stories.. very similar to mine.. I got to see how other gifted kids were growing up to face challenges better.. how difficulties were being used as opportunities.. I started getting more confident about my instincts and methodology.. I can see similar changes in my child too.. he is more confident and is able to speak for himself better.. he is picking up the rope and climbing higher easily.. we can see we have more people who understand us and are helping us build ourselves.. there is constructive criticism too , to help us ..

The feeling that when we have a situation there are people to give inputs from their experiences, guide with resources and just to provide a shoulder for support, is in itself a great feeling.. it reduces pressure.. there are more women walking along my path in itself is very reassuring.. though other people’s perspectives of us hasn’t changed we are able to drive through the path better equipped.. I am happy that I took help when needed!

Detached attachment

Whenever he feels sad he would ask for a hug.. he always says it makes him feel better.. but off late he says my hugs are more calming than ever.. yes I too feel more calm than before after I realised something..

I read these words in a holy book, “though your child is from you he/she is not a part of you.. they are separate souls of their own”.. yes I have heard it many times before but it struck me only recently.. I am responsible for the safety and learnings of the child but not entirely for every action of the child.. there is his/her own individual self that responds and reacts differently from mine.. though I can show what is right and wrong, I can’t totally control every act..

Do your ‘Karma’ without expecting is easier said than done.. but I am slowly learning that I have to give my best yet stay detached.. love unconditionally both myself and my kids whatever be the situation.. I am slowly putting the onus of responsibility on them.. they are responsible for their acts.. yes it may sound like a lazy, bad mother but it is the truth.. I want them to grow their wings without burning mine..

The guilt of motherhood is reducing and I am able to enjoy their childhood better.. and offer more calming hugs..