Change needs time..

“He is too sharp..” “he cuts like knife..”” it’s because of you that he is like this…” “Children learn from parents so the cause is you..”” what’s the use of his brain he is going to die alone” “you will struggle when he grows up because you are making him rude..”

I have been hearing these for a very long time after becoming a parent.. I have felt the burden of guilt too heavy to even see any hope for myself in life.. I hardly get into groups, being an introvert myself I have struggled to talk to people.. I prefer communication by writing or messages than a direct one on one talk.. I don’t know diplomacy.. the guilty feeling that I wasn’t being a good example being cause for ruining my child was killing me.. I tried my best but no one belives me.. every time I hear a remark I feel more heavy.. I feel like a looser.. a failure.. I stick to my art – my world my saviour.. the rhythmic motion of my machine feels like a lullaby..as my machine sews puting together ripped useless scraps to form something beautiful, unique and soothing I feel I can.. I regain the bits of me scattered around and put them back but in a different format.. I rework my thoughts.. my processes..

I start again with my ritual of pretend play.. bringing his attention to what soothed him a situation or in a conversation.. reinforcing positive affirmations daily night.. that family cuddling to tell him and me that whatever it be we are there for each other..

And today I saw a ray of hope again.. he was engaged in an online group conversation with his class mates over making a presentation.. he very consciously helped his friends improve on their ideas.. he appreciated them as he led them.. he made sure it was a group effort and not just his.. his voice though loud as usual was having a different tone.. it had reassurance, kindness and was slow paced.. he wasn’t talking hurriedly but thinking and talking.. they finished their work on time..I was noticing all this while hand sewing in another room..

Yes I am their mother and first teacher.. my instincts don’t give up easily.. though my hands are working I notice these changes in my kid silently.. I appreciated him gently in front of the younger one as she needs to see these examples.. I need not start all over from scratch with her.. and yes I shed a few tears of happiness silently.. he will not die alone as predicted by some.. that’s more than enough for me.. when he is an adult people may not know about the metamorphosis but I know it took time, effort, patience, belief and love..

Is empathy a skill or inborn quality?

My older one would think a hundred times to even squish a cockroach.. if a dragon fly broke it’s wings he would cry for it.. if he found a dead dog on the road he will not sleep for days.. if a tree is cut : the consequences are even more sever..he is soaked in empathy for nature..

But only when another human is in immense pain he understands their pain.. otherwise it has to be pointed out to him.. he has to be explained to about how different their situations could be from his.. constant reminders have to be put to think before talking.. he has to be convinced to give allowances before concluding.. yes his little anger towards humanity for being unfair to nature is also a cause..

I have thought I could never make him empathetic towards other humans.. I don’t wish for a brainer and monetarily successful child but a peaceful and happy one.. I have been pointing out to him in all creative ways using stories, pretend situations, play and art to see from other person’s perspective.. I have been saying along with my kids from when they have been talking that “we are happy, peaceful and empathetic people” before we go to bed every day.. I wasn’t sure if this would yield results but I have been doing it with full heart.. along with the family cuddling before bed..

Something surprising happened yesterday.. my younger one has the habit of tying threads, ribbons and ropes across different places at home during play.. we have been constantly telling her to remove them after play but she always forgets.. there have been mild accidents too because of it.. yesterday I tripped in one such tied rope at night after dinner while doing something in a dark room.. my head hit the corner of the door frame on wall and I sprained my ankle.. in pain I screamed out at my younger one and her dad got angry at her too and yelled at her.. she was shaken and started crying of shock.. big brother immediately jumped out of his work and hugged her and kissed her.. he kept rubbing her back till she was calmer.. I held back husband’s hand and waited to see what was going on.. he told us sternly,” I know what she did was wrong but what you guys did was wrong too!” And he told her “hug amma you will feel better.. rub her head gently.. it’s swollen..” he brought an ice pack for my ankle.. this has never happened in these 10 years..

He was sensibly empathetic and sensitive to everyone.. one more goal of hope for mom.. 😊.. the little joys of motherhood.. and yes ofcourse me and hubby discussed it at night with amazement! Nothing is permanent..

Mindfulness and activities for gifted kids

Small bags and pouches by my 10 year old

I had a tough day.. what ever I did I couldn’t control the outbursts of emotions.. I tried to maintain calm and explain, hugged, tried to play , watch something together on tv, read together but every few minutes they were charged and charging over each other for trivial things.. the noise level was too high.. crying happened for most part of the day.. I did not know what to do..

I just took up my sewing kit and theirs.. placed everything on the sewing table and started off on my mindful rhythmic sewing patterns.. few minutes later both were sitting beside me sewing their stuff.. all of a sudden the whole house was calm and peaceful..

I collect scrap fabrics from my projects into a bin.. I use them to teach them quilting.. I let them plan their lay out and choose fabrics.. then hand sew.. no deadlines.. no pressure.. just some rhythmic motion based on their ideas..

It improves hand-eye coordination, calms the brain, converts their energies into something positive.. improves appreciation for hand work.. boosts self confidence and self belief.. I insist on converting the small patches they make into products of their use.. it improves self worth to look at what you make with your hands being of good use.. choosing a design and colour coordination helps in decision making.. it is a way to express feelings.. it’s a mode to communicate..

They enjoy the process.. perfection is not the aim but perseverance is.. it’s a life skill too.. with no gender barriers.. helps navigate through emotions.. better than a regular boring handwriting book to train the hands..

My 5 year old working on embroidery for her quilt

The family konjal!

Whatever happens.. however it happens.. it doesn’t matter.. at the end of the day before saying the night Slokas we do family konjal! I.e we do family cuddling.. (konjal is Tamil)

We decide to forgive and forget everything every night before bed.. all we try to remember is that we love each other beyond everything and will be beside each other inspite of everything..

It helps my gifted kids a lot to remove the burden of self blaming or inferiority complex or insecurity.. they know what ever they do we will still love them.. and we believe whatever we do they will learn to love us.. all of us are learning.. we are learning to parent and they are learning to live.. together we are learning life..

There are days when tears trickle down when we hug.. the day has been intense.. to know that you are still loved is calming.. to know you are still accepted is soothing.. to know you can be yourself is assuring..

It’s tough to let go and hug with whole heart but when we do we can see how much we need it more than them..

It also helps my kids see that in a family it is ok to hug or kiss and there is nothing wrong in showing your partner or parents your love without inhibitions … It’s great to express love.. it’s great to let go.. it’s great to remember to start afresh before you go to bed..

It gives more hope for tomorrow..

Fears known and unknown..

Things that cause fear to others don’t cause fear to mine and the things that don’t cause fear to others cause fear to mine.. why? Probably because of difference in interests and the ability to overthink..

There are fears that they can’t even describe.. it’s a vague concept.. but keeps them awake through nights or puts them into loads of crying..

Probably they see what I don’t but I have to help them as they are still little kids.. art is therapy and fun.. it can fill the gaps in communication easily.. I find it to be a better key to open many doors.. so on one halloween I decided to pull up a concept of “eat your fears” .. we made a list and decided to work on reducing items from the list.. Kids made out figures of their fears in the wheat dough and we made rotis and we ate them off.. daily we list the fears before bed and say we will face these bravely.. though they have not disappeared from the list they don’t keep us awake at night.. slowly I hope they disappear from our list..

The child psychology understands art better than adult.. when fun and assurance become part of it they seem to accept the need for change with lesser resistance..

Easy?

#lifewithgifted #giftedkids #coping #hope #faith #life #challenges #sensitivity

There are days I want to just quit.. and stay away from everything.. I know handling our life and of others is tough for everyone but how can I explain how tough mine is?

There is lot of mental work leading to mental and physical exhaustion.. there are days when I can do no more..

While handling the overthinking, overwhelming, over enthusiasm, over frustration, overflow of anger and fear, over ability.. ‘over’ of everything.. it’s really tough..

providing reassurance again and again peacefully is tough.. maintaining sanity while pulling out references to explain the same thing is tough.. knowing that they know and understand more than you yet they need assistance is tough.. knowing and understanding that you are handling someone growing up mentally faster is tough.. satisfying their high urge to learn more and more is tough.. understanding and living with the fact that it’s tough to blend yet you have to make them blend is tough.. putting up with constantly mocking people, of lesser understanding about your situation is tough..

Being the the sole shoulder to cry on, hand to hold on to, guide, mentor, friend, healer… Is tough..

How suddenly I get woken up in the middle of the night by the tiny hands crying for help as their excessive sensitivity is making them over think and over react.. responding to them requires a lot of diligence and diplomacy… I have to educate myself to help them better.. it’s tough.. I have cried out many a times but …

But I have to take a deep breath and go on . God has provided me these gifts as he knew I can.. and I will.. I rejuvenate myself often with lots of little things to keep going… I look at the tiny far away stars on no moon days to tell myself there is light though far way.. I have to be balanced to nurture these gifted that I have received as gifts.. Hope, trust and faith…

The Maya of my home

Whenever someone visits my home they find it annoying that I hang around around them a lot.. 🤷 I know they don’t understand the gravity of the situation they have got themselves into.. because what looks like water isn’t really water but some mix of chemicals for testing.. what looks like edible potato is probably potato dipped in peroxide because someone in some website said it makes them grow better.. what looks like juice is probably some acidic or basic solution for some experiment.. and the contents of some nice looking box can be parts of a disintegrated insect..

Now you would have got a rough idea about the danger looming around the unsuspecting guests.. no these are not pranks but part of my 10 year old’s reasearch.. the kitchen counter looks like a convenient ready made lab and gets used more by him than me.. so for the safety of the guests I need to hang around them while they are in my jurisdiction.. 🤷 living with a scientist requires certain skills and experience.. and we believe in practicals than theory..

If you still want to risk entering my home then better enter with an health insurance..

#life #lifewithgifted #giftedkids #highIQ #scientist #mom’slife

The need to be calm from inside

#lifewithgifted #higerIQ #emotions #innerpeace #spiritualhealth #giftedkids #hope

Many at times I see my kids struggling to understand and express their emotions.. especially my older one.. he is very sensitive to nature including plants and bugs.. he feels pain when he hears or gets to see even the slightest damage.. the anger, frustration and highly charged state of mind are difficult to handle.. he thinks after he talks and ends up feeling guilty.. things go out control soon.. emotional intensity is more..

I have been trying to calm him with whatever material I get to read to him.. but this time I gave the responsibility to him.. I asked him to find his way to a good spiritual health.. provided him some options and he choose a Bhagawat Gita discourse.. as he chose it he had higher sense of responsibility to attend it everyday.. with every discourse I saw him digging deeper and understanding better.. yes there were days when he found so many faults within him and wept.. but then he understood that learning from mistakes are important and no one can be perfect.. he is able to find the actual cause for his anger.. he is able to forgive more easily than before.. he doesn’t harbour the guilt.. he is able to breathe better through his frustrations.. he is more calm as a person now.. he is trying to think and talk.. he has more respect for all.. he is finding a God who is his friend to confide in and not a power to fear of.. he has hope that God will hold his fingers through tough times and listen to him.. he has hope that God will shop him the path through someone when needed.. he has started beliving that ‘ whatever happens happens for good’ . There is a long way to go but the change has began in a constructive way..

Whatever may be the religion a strong belief in the creator helps.. the gifted need it more to calm themselves and accept themselves..

Learning from the unknown faces!

#lifewithgifted #learning #pandemic #lifeinlockdown #giftedkids #education #vituallearning #virtualclasses #tasksforgifted

The pandemic lockdown has been a blessing of sorts.. this is the first year that we have stayed back home for the summer.. usually we stay at grandparents place or go on vacation to explore places according to kids line of interests and our garden doesn’t get enough care but this year we are around.. and we learnt a lot from unknown faces across the globe with out travelling..

I gave my 10 year old 4 tasks based on his interests- learn something related to zoology, something related to gardening, something to improve his spiritual health and some hand work.. I gave him a budget and told him to look for online classes for the first 3.. he came up with few choices and we opted for what suits us the best among them.. he felt more in control of his life which he had been fighting for but he was still under our guidance.. he went on do a course with a zoo, then a gardening course, a Bhagawat Gita class and started on his new quilt( with me).. as he had a little more left in his budget he took up a coding class too..

This venture has been pretty successful as he finished 4 of the 5 tasks that he took up and our garden is lush green.. we have had a decent harvest and it radiates a lot of positive vibrations.. he feels a lot happier and is able to manage his time better.. he has gone ahead to become a member in a virtual gardening group, getting help and rendering help too. They don’t know that they are talking to a kid but look up to him for advice. He is loving the process as to answer them he is learning more.. I have met several road blocks in many classes as they found his age to be a barrier.. though he is mentally far ahead he was not included due to age.. but that barrier has been broken in the virtual community.. he finds the virtual community for learning to be comfortable as he can walk in and out when he pleases.. he has his moods.. yes there have been days of tantrums where he would ask for exotic seeds but then the spiritual discourses have helped him calm down and think if he really needs them.. to fulfill the course with the zoo he went ahead to make comic strips, posters and stories for the assignments as they did not restrict him with regular testing at the end of the course.. as for the hand sewing.. he is still learning slowly to work patiently.. and coding class was completed too..

Overall we have had beautiful time learning to learn in a new way.. and house is more calm, smelling good with the harvests..

I see myself in them

#lifewithgifted #giftedness #solitude #hobbies #mentalhealth #understanding

There are many aspects of me that I see in my kids.. after all I was one of their gene carriers.. but they are strong willed like their father and that showcases their abilities in a better way..

When I see them struggle with over thinking or when they struggle to move with their peers I see my struggles too.. when they visualise differently and no one understands them I see my own struggles.. when they have multiple interests that just transports them to a different world I see myself.. when they are good at so many things effortlessly but have no interest or intentions to build on all of that I see myself.. I see myself in their fears and tears..

I had struggled a lot as a child to mingle with others as I found very few points of contacts.. I love my own company and solitude… When I look back at what helped me walk through my difficult situations and accept myself, I see one big habit shinning like sun among the other stars.. hobbies

Whenever I wanted to retreat into my cocoon.. whenever I wanted to collect myself.. whenever I wanted to accept myself.. whenever I wanted to cry but couldn’t.. whenever I wanted to end it all.. whenever I felt unheard and unwanted.. whenever I found it difficult to explain myself.. my hobbies helped me explore all the dimensions and think and express better.. they gave me that place to replenish.. that space to feel better.. that place to just be myself.. that place to become invisible.. that place to get involved.. that place to rest and relax.. that place to feel some success and achievement of conquering something.. they helped feel worthy.. I don’t have one but multiple hobbies.. so I get to dwell in more therapeutic places..

As I see myself in my kids I help them build a lot of hobbies.. worlds that they can enjoy their own company in.. though we need to socialize, we need to love solitude too..